Match

Definitely not a match this time but I'm getting tired of online bullies. If my prince is out there, now would be a good time to let me know you have a crush on me. I'm seriously getting to my wits end.

Depressed but not dead-

Wiener?

When people ask me what its like to date in a heteronormative patriarchal society I show them images like this. No manners. No politeness. No kindness.....just straight up hundreds of guys like this asking if I have a "wiener".  They use their male privilege to treat trans people like inferior objects to be played with and discarded.

Which is ironic when you consider his profile says:

"And if we date and become exclusive, claim me, be proud to be with me. When people ask who I am, tell them proudly, "thats my BF"

 Now for the rant....please dont contact me if you are married, have a BF, not ready for something real, want a "Sugar Daddy", my ex wife ran off with all the sugar. I would rather see all your crazy up front before I invest feelings. Its only fair... "

He says he doesn't want to be treated like an object, or used but then in the first line of his private message completely contradicts what he put in his profile.

Welcome to my world-

Oh and just for fun he let me know that it was my fault he used that behavior stating: "since this is online, and you put that out there I wanted to know." Apparently the narrative here is I deserved it because 'insert made up reason here".

Late Lesson

Growing up around my relatives I tried to make them happy and get them to like me. Only three people did.

Before I attended school I tried to get the neighborhood kids to like me. Nobody did.

When I attended K-12 I tried to get my peers to like me. Nobody did.

Every job I've worked at I've tried to make friends. I rarely did.

Every club or group I've been apart of I've tried to get people to like me. Very few and far between.

I'm never in the 'in group', and constantly alone but I'm always told that life is worth living.

Really? Are you sure? For what? I'm not liked. I'm not loved. I don't make a difference, and society wishes that I never existed.

Chapter Ended

I finally got up to Portland to get the rest of my things out of storage, got to visit the Roxy, and show a FWB around town because he was a virgin. I became a lil cranky and tired from the heat but I did pretty good, especially when you consider my new medication helps by leaps and bounds. It was nice to hug old coworkers and actually feel their love from being missed.

Last night was the annual Red Ribbon show & The Gay Portland Pageant. I skipped both due to being tired & salty. Besides it saves me money that I don't have right now. My choices for Mr/Miss/Ms Gay Portland were chosen so Iam happy.

I sure do miss my friend Janine.

Sigh

Cautiously Better

The awkward and painful side of getting better with mental health issues is realizing how lost, and close to death you were. I've been taking a new medication for my anxiety the last few weeks and I really feel amazing. I'm still taking my antidepressants but someone finally believed me that I needed something separate for my anxiety. I have so many apologies to deal out, and deal with but I'm trying to take one day at a time. The last two years were exceptionally hard and until I had a time of stable reflection I didn't know how close I was to not surviving my disease (PTSD). Very vulnerable at this moment but I don't care, I really am feeling better and that's not an "up swing".

Cautiously better...

Headaches, Heat Rash & Homely Behavior

Haven't felt good the last few days. Its been in the 100's and that always makes me kinda sick. So I've just been staying in. This morning I woke up with a terrible headache. Just pounding for me to arise this morning. I instantly had something to eat, some coffee and took some advil. OMG I feel so much better but ....I can't wait for winter.

You'll never hear me complain about the cold-


EVER

?!Perky?!

The last few days on this medication and doing a lot of tough life stuff I'm starting to feel perky again. I enrolled in college, talked to my old landlord, dealt with some bills, and dumped my ex boyfriend. If you can call him an ex? He was more like a 2 week experience LMAO

But me? Perky? WTH

I went on a really great date the other night and that helped tip things in my direction. A guy I thought was kinda....um....not in my league turned out to be well spoken, smart, a snappy dresser, clean, handsome and well mannered. I don't think it will lead to a long term relationship because he seems broken in that regard....but good friends with benefits would be awesome.

But again....I'm perky? Okay....I'll take it