Im Out of Meds But Not Out of My Mind

So a few weeks ago I got a letter from my insurance company that said they were not going to renew my Prisique (sp?) Rx because it cost too much money. I scoffed and thought, hmm... I wonder if a few thousand dollar visit to the ER or hospital is cheaper? Well of course (thankfully) it didn't come to that. I was still on the other antidepressant (Lexapro) and despite Prisique being dropped suddenly I didn't have withdrawl or extremely low-lows.

I've managed well and I think a lot has to do with the fact that none of my friends have died lately, I moved, I LOVE my new location/apt and things are finally starting to come together after 5-6 years of struggling to get here. I worked a few days at the cafe and started to move thing around and then we stopped suddenly because we aren't ready to open.

It looks soo good though and things are really coming together really well. It has also been really great to have the summer off and even though I go back in 3-4 weeks I feel like I can take on the world again after having a break. Breaks are needed sometimes. The stress from this summer has been absolutely agony. Im thankful things are turning around.

Im out of meds, but not out of my mind,
SVJ

All Moved But Not All Better

Moving changed my self esteem and self worth but it didn't do anything for my finances of course and the problems I had before I was  homeless are still there. However that being said I do feel a lot better and now my 'problems' seem a lot smaller than what they were while being homeless so thats a big thing.

Robin Williams comited suicide a few days ago and of course all the nasties in the world jumped on the band wagon to misconstrue what depression, mental illness and what suicide is. Everyone is jumping to digest what happened and make since of it all but clearly there is no digestible, easy answer. Perhaps though this will lead people to have more of an understanding, and empathy for people suffering with depression. HOPEFULLY.

The animals are doing much better now that they have been stabilized and no longer have a weird sleeping environment. I was very blessed to be able to sleep on some floors over the past few weeks but our bed is supremely better than anything that happened in the last few weeks.

Im trucking on and hoping on. I hope you are with me-
SVJ

RIP Christian

So a few years ago my friend Joker (Jeremy James Brent) died and I got to meet the most genuine and nice fella naked Christian. We exchanged Christmas cards over the years, and sympathy cards when things would go wrong. Over the years our friendship grew around the love of cats.

My husband loves cats and so did Christian. Well it was just about a year ago he stopped replying to my posts. Turns out he had surgery and it took a turn for the worse. From my understanding he had a bad reaction to the anesthesia. Over 9 months he learned to walk and talk again but then just last week he died suddenly.

He wrapped up his affairs and died. Just died. My heart just broke. A man I never met, but managed to create a great internet friendship just died. I hate that and it happens too often. Everyone needs to start living forever or at least until I die. (nervous giggle)

I've seen lots of posts online since I was able to get back online again and lots of people have died in the last 45 days I've been homeless. I hope it stops because I can't go through another month like I did a few months ago where there was a death a week or more.

Stop dying please,
SVJ

Not My Finest Hour

So Alex and I have been rushing around for the last few days and during that time frame all I had to eat was a 1/2 a burger and 1/2 bowl of soup. He putz's around the house and Im begging him to take me to the store so I can get something to eat. My sugar keeps falling, and falling and falling. Finally at the bring of despair I just loose my goard.

I said things that weren't rational, normal or even nice. We immediately got some fast food (I know, on average that would be a horrible choice but I needed fast carbs) and I started to feel better in a few hours but my diabetes did not like me not eating for almost 2 days. Im back on track now but I feel really bad about what happened.

I apologized for what I said but not for how I reacted. I begged him for over a day to get me something to eat and he was unwilling. I think he has a better understanding now and hopefully I can get my sugars back on track over the next few days.

Le' Sigh-

SVJ

The Red Ribbon Show

I was fortunate enough to be asked to perform at this years Red Ribbon show under the direction and vision of Johnny Woo Foxx (Jonathan Reitan) but I felt extremely guilty that I couldn't put something fabulous together because I was homeless. I couldn't buy great outfits, train a bunch of back up dancers or build a set. Instead I did Janet Jackson's song "Feedback" and hoped for the best.

When my dear friend Fabulanzaa announced me on stage I thought I was going to puke because it was such a warm, loving and kind entrance that I thought....I'm never going to measure up to that. She was so wonderful and I cherish her friendship...along with Mr. Woo as well.

When I concluded my song, I got a round of applause a few people tipped me. Most of the people from Salem stonewalled me, yet again but I kept my head high and kept trucking on. Thats all I can really do despite such adversity. I am a loving and caring person that tries her heart out to make things work. I volunteer all my time, and energy trying to make the world a better place and sometimes I fail. I feel like a failure now.

However that being said we did raise (collectively but mostly through the work of Johnny) that night 26,000.00 for HIV charities. Im honored to call him my friend but ashamed that I didn't do better-

SVJ