Goodbye Facebook

I kinda did a radical thing this week. I deleted facebook. After reducing friends/family it seemed that I just had 'dramabook' in smaller doses instead of getting rid of the problem. It seems that facebook has become the place for folks to lay down all their ills, problems, marriage issues, political disgust, and frequently folks are trolled to just pick arguments. What exactly do you win when you get the best of someone on an internet fight? More drama? Heartburn? A higher dose of Prozac? I'm embarking on a new journey of sorts. So far I have more energy, I feel lighter when I wake up and I don't feel "chained" to updating people about my life. Who cares about it anyways?

I've gone rogue-
SVJ

Less People, Less Problems

When I was little my mother used to say that she was going "soul searching" when she was in deep thought or pondering a major life choice. I kept thinking.....Soul Searching? Where did it go? How do you loose it to begin with? How do you identify it when you've found it again? I later learned that it was just a metaphor for doing some deep thinking. I've recently discovered that I've spent the majority of my life trying to impress people that don't deserve to seconds of my time.

Christmas cards to people who don't care, affection to folks who never return it, hero worship to people I've put on pedestals but would never give me the time of day, kiss the ass of people who I wanted to be friends with because I too wanted to be cool like them.....but never realizing I would never EVER be good enough for them. They decided a long time ago that I would not be in their inner circle and no matter how hard I tried I would never make it.

So I deleted 100 extra friends on facebook. Then another 100 more when I realized I was just collecting 'friends' on facebook and some of them I had never even met in real life. Then another 75 when I realized that even more were people I'd never meet, talk to, travel to, or invite to a special event like a wedding, baptismal, funeral or anniversary party. How long had I been off my path that I surrounded myself with nobody's and wondered why I never felt loved? I pushed away folks that I did love, because I was too worried about the folks that didn't love me.

Seriously what the fuck? So I deleted another 25. I started to feel more free, positive energy, connecting with people who actually matter. How long did I burry my head in the sand? Why did I do this to begin with? Oh yeah.....I'm a people pleaser. I have begged my whole life to be apart of the cool crowd never realizing that no matter what I did I was never going to sit with the cool kids at the lunch table.

I had connected myself to people who just wanted my time at their events, money for their charities, advice when they needed it, and my endless admiration of them to build them up. Never asking myself, what is in it for me? I've come to the conclusion that I need to make my circle smaller. Therefor less people, and less problems. Its painful on one hand because it could result in hurt feelings but .....I tend to think: they'd do the same thing in a blink of an eye. Self care is not selfish.

-SVJ

Delta Airline

1. This whole Delta Airlines b/s reminds me of public school in rural Idaho when teachers used to tell me as a child: Well they wouldn't treat you like a faggot if you didn't act like one. Or a police officer telling me that I can't be raped because I was a prostitute as a teenager.
2. Kicking someone off a plane because they spoke a different language is racist. Trying to put someone in their place by forcing them to assimilate to the culture around them is ethnocentric and not a...n American value. Sanctioning someone for speaking in a different language than your own is discrimination.
3. Equally expecting someone to remain calm, when they're being targeted for an assigned stigma you hold about someone else's culture, speaks to the level of privilege you hold over someone who is actually being victimized. I want you to know that I see you sticking up for Delta. I see you treating the victim as inferior.
4. I see you. You disgust me.

National Coming Out Day

National Coming Out Day

Most people associate National Coming Out Day with Gay & Lesbians but for me in the LGBT community it takes on a different meaning as a transgender woman. I first started transitioning in the second grade and living a double life. At home I would pretend to be what my parents wanted and when I was at school I would be honest but be bullied for it. I can remember many occasions when I complained to administration or teachers and they all said the same thing: stop being yourself and you won't have the problem.

I often wish I could hold the 7 year old version of me in my arms and tell her that she is loved unconditionally. Additionally let her know that despite the psychological damage inflicted upon me by other children, and the physical abuse I had to endure everyday, someday it would be much worse. Its no wonder that we lie to our children and tell them that it gets better. Why would you want to grow up if you knew that life was going to be just as hard if not worse?

Studies show us that 41 percent of trans people commit suicide by age 30, 86 percent endure daily abuses at home or work, 40 percent are unemployed or unemployable, 3 out of 4 have been raped or sexually assaulted, and many are without stable housing. How would I let the 7 year old version of me know not to give up but that it gets worse as you get older? In some states I’m not even allowed to use the restroom or retain a job in America. Yet, I’m expected to be patriotic, and love my country all at the same time.

How would I tell her that most of your friends and family won't understand and that you'll live a very lonely existence in a society that neither wants you, or will give you equal rights? All that I could offer her is that it doesn't get better at all, but you get stronger. You start to realize the way people behave, bully, legislate, and discriminate have nothing to do with you. They are in fact the ones that are broken, insecure, unstable, and live their life in a constant state of fear. Fear of minorities, women, and educated folks who want to make a difference in society.

Almost every great civil rights leader has been murdered because the idea that freedom, love, and peace are so threatening to people who are unable to use their sociological imagination to envision a society that plays together, gets along, and lives in harmony with nature. However just because they are unable to live an honest life, one full of joy and happiness doesn’t mean you can't pursue yours. You are entitled to live in a society that is free of violence against you, a significant other that loves you, and a place where you can rest at night, without fear of repercussions.

I would plead with her that some pretty shitty things will happen so that you can stay alive but that your past does not define you. A rose is still a rose, no matter what it goes though. Don't let oppression make you feel like you need to identify with it. You do not need to become a self-fulfilling prophecy just because the institutions that were supposed to help you, are designed to oppressed you instead. That just because the majority of who you encounter with will make you feel ugly, shameful, and sad, doesn't mean you need to believe them. What they think, and how they treat others, defines them, not you.

I would then kiss her on the cheek and tell her that no matter what, even when you are just surviving, you are inspiring others not to give up. You will educate others so that 7 year olds, 30 years from now will have an easier life than what you lived. Its okay to survive. You will overcome despite adversity. Coming out is the bravest thing you will ever do, just never look back because even if you're moving forward you're still advancing towards your dreams.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Sometimes I get so many mixed messages online its hard to tell if people want me to talk to them or not. Granted I tend to let them start the conversation because I don't want people to think that I'm "trapping" them into something they may not like. So my profile is brutally honest, and even my screen name is: transgendered. There's no mistaking.....

Then there are days like this....that I'm absolutely puzzled. In the long run I'll just ignore him but for a few minutes I feel bad thinking that I've done something wrong until I've analyzed what happened.

Then.....there are times its pretty clear they want to be left alone even though THEY CONTACTED ME. .....but in the long run, I just run for the hills-

SVJ

Institutionalized Racism

Another date goes bust this evening. He didn't stand near me, always walked 2-3 steps ahead of me, constantly over talked me, interrupted and we had a very strongly worded conversation about institutionalized racism. He kept denying that people get discriminated against or during one part of our conversation he said I could keep a job if I didn't 'broadcast" I was transgendered.

Heavy sigh.....

I kept sitting down in hopes that he would talk to me, make eye contact. He never did....always looked on guard and looking around as if he was scanning to see who was seeing him in public with me. When he dropped me off, he didn't even say anything nice, or a casual good bye. Just, "Okay I'm going to go hang out with my daughter now, bye.' I felt so shamed, and little as if I embarrassed him to be in public with him.

Came home, wrote about it on facebook. He through a hissy fit, and told me to fuck off. I guess that's one less Christmas card I have to send out.

Fag

This is my daily life folks. Walking to the mailbox, shopping for groceries, applying for a job, checking in on an apartment for rent, asking for directions, needing assistance from a police officers, questioning a teacher, being emailed on a dating site, or being called at home.

I'm a fag.

I've been called fag, faggot, and queer my whole life. No matter how much good I do for the world, how I try to help others in need, or how educated I become.

I'm a fag.

Trolls Every where!

So when I'm not being trolled on dating sites, I'm being trolled on posts for needing to know information. Yep....razors and a warm bath are the reasons to get out of bed somedays-

I'm an alien now too?

Fall is almost here.....

Nothing has really changed lately. I'm still dealing with dating site jerks, and looking for work. Depression/anxiety is awesome and doing well. Just didn't want to leave you hanging.

-SVJ

Nervous Laugh

Its always nice to be told that you aren't welcome. Even if on sites where I really am welcome and there is space for me in their preferences. Razors and a warm bath people......I'm not going to do it but damn its inviting sometimes.

Nervous laugh.

Razors and Walmart?

Yep....totally need to go to Walmart and just buy some razors..... Seriously, I think it is time to give up sometimes-

SVJ

ohhhh my...

I guess he was married....immediately there after I was blocked on fb and pof

Prince Charming ....do you exist?

Perhaps prince charming only exists in Disney movies, and bad Fox remakes? I got bombarded with three jerks in a row yesterday.....perhaps I should just buy a box of razors and take a warm bath like someone said on facebook yesterday?

then.....

Saaaayyyyyy whut?

My profile clearly lists on OkCupid that I'm a transgender female and yet all day I receive messages like this. I wish people understood its not my responsibility to be their personal Wikipedia, or satisfy their 'curious' needs. Stop using your privilege to make other people feel inferior-

Big sigh...

She-Mail

A few years ago RuPaul got in trouble with some millennials over the term She-Mail. Not Shemale, but the word She-Mail. A line was drawn in the trans community that what this really meant was that she was making fun of transgender people. Ironically she recreated a word, and coined it on a show that is famous for crossdressing for entertainment purposes: Drag.

I think above all else that the context in which this was used is how she should be judged on its usage. After all if you take someone to court over an issue you can't charge one way and mean another. In the realm of public opinion it gets a little messy because the court of public opinion has no rules or set boundaries.

The prevailing idea about the term She-Mail was that RuPaul was delivering some mail via the television to her contestants. She wasn't treating them inferior and calling them porn actors with the term she-male. Which in a different spelling and different context means something completely different.

That's why language is so fascinating to me. Words have meaning based upon the context in which they are used. Same with people going on a television show to "Roast" someone. You know what you signed up for. All jokes, good and bad are going to be on limits and nothing off limits. It is its own context.

#TeamRuPaul
#TeamContext
#TeamSanity

MrBell61

Seriously .....days like this make me just want to hang myself in the closet or in the woods. Id be too afraid though that a child or one of my parents would find me. Hell I don't want anyone to find me that way. Anyways, I'm just venting but god my soul is tired today-

SVJ

Nudes?

Everyday on Facebook, twitter, and dating sites this is what I see. At least a dozen of these "lovely" messages from twatcicles like this-

SVJ

Match

Definitely not a match this time but I'm getting tired of online bullies. If my prince is out there, now would be a good time to let me know you have a crush on me. I'm seriously getting to my wits end.

Depressed but not dead-

Wiener?

When people ask me what its like to date in a heteronormative patriarchal society I show them images like this. No manners. No politeness. No kindness.....just straight up hundreds of guys like this asking if I have a "wiener".  They use their male privilege to treat trans people like inferior objects to be played with and discarded.

Which is ironic when you consider his profile says:

"And if we date and become exclusive, claim me, be proud to be with me. When people ask who I am, tell them proudly, "thats my BF"

 Now for the rant....please dont contact me if you are married, have a BF, not ready for something real, want a "Sugar Daddy", my ex wife ran off with all the sugar. I would rather see all your crazy up front before I invest feelings. Its only fair... "

He says he doesn't want to be treated like an object, or used but then in the first line of his private message completely contradicts what he put in his profile.

Welcome to my world-

Oh and just for fun he let me know that it was my fault he used that behavior stating: "since this is online, and you put that out there I wanted to know." Apparently the narrative here is I deserved it because 'insert made up reason here".

Late Lesson

Growing up around my relatives I tried to make them happy and get them to like me. Only three people did.

Before I attended school I tried to get the neighborhood kids to like me. Nobody did.

When I attended K-12 I tried to get my peers to like me. Nobody did.

Every job I've worked at I've tried to make friends. I rarely did.

Every club or group I've been apart of I've tried to get people to like me. Very few and far between.

I'm never in the 'in group', and constantly alone but I'm always told that life is worth living.

Really? Are you sure? For what? I'm not liked. I'm not loved. I don't make a difference, and society wishes that I never existed.

Chapter Ended

I finally got up to Portland to get the rest of my things out of storage, got to visit the Roxy, and show a FWB around town because he was a virgin. I became a lil cranky and tired from the heat but I did pretty good, especially when you consider my new medication helps by leaps and bounds. It was nice to hug old coworkers and actually feel their love from being missed.

Last night was the annual Red Ribbon show & The Gay Portland Pageant. I skipped both due to being tired & salty. Besides it saves me money that I don't have right now. My choices for Mr/Miss/Ms Gay Portland were chosen so Iam happy.

I sure do miss my friend Janine.

Sigh