Adulting

Yesterday was super busy....I applied for Oregon State University, sent a message to my old landlord, and filled out my fasfa. All heavy duty work for me. Doesn't seem like much but paperwork, and answering questions really stresses me out. Which is ironic because I don't seem to have the same trouble while I'm actually enrolled in school. When you consider everything is just one test after another but whatever. I'm complicated.

Hopefully I get accepted and can get rolling on my degree again. I miss homework, studying and working towards a goal. I've been floating for the past year and half and its really starting to get on my nerves.

Baby steps.

Coffee & Friendship

Throughout my life one thing that has remained constant since I was 15 years old is just hitting the café, or an old fashioned diner and having coffee. Gather friends, talk, pontificate about ideas that are important to you. This evening my friend Jared invited me out to just have coffee and chill out. It was nice to just get out of the house and do something different..

After a while I start to feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I can't talk about anything or that there is nothing left to discuss. Coffee has always allowed me to bring a small group of people together and just relax. My parents used to go to a coffee shop every single day when I was growing up. Bobby's Café in Post Falls, Idaho. I never understood the sense of community.

Boy I sure do now. I suppose something really do get better as you age....just like wine and good coffee.

Im Savannah

I never get in with the cool crowd,

I'm not invited to the parties,

At the same time they ignore me,

They also wallow in their jealousy,

I have no circle of friends...just lost and lonely,

I'm Savannah, cant you see?

I'm not picked first and always last to be called,

I don't receive friendly text messages,

The only emails I get are to complain,

I'm last to find out someone died,

Because truth is deep down inside,

Nobody cares, I'm Savannah.

I struggle to be seen & I fight to be clean,

I'm not the kind of girl you introduce to mother,

I'm tolerable because I fuck like a porn star,

Chronically homeless, unemployed and hopeless,

Suicide sounds heavenly but sadly I'm told It gets better,

Its not true but it makes others feel better,

Cause I'm Savannah, I can handle any weather.

In a world of happy endings and stories that triumph,

I find no place of solace because it truly doesn't get better,

The blame always lands on my lap because its easier to laugh,

Point and stare, place the blame some where else than here,

It gives you warm fuzzes to deny the problem,

Place the guilt on my shoulders because my humanity doesn't matter,

Why? Because I'm Savannah.

Burry My Head in the Sand

Ugh.....hibernation mode kicks into high gear when I get stressed out. I'd rather sleep, and avoid than to deal with the anxiety. Anyone offering advice just comes off patronizing and condescending that I can't just 'snap out of it.' I'm 36 I know what the options are. I know what the path is. I know how to solve my problem.....but I have anxiety okay? Talking down to me, or making me feel inferior because I just won't 'hop to' isn't going to make my problems go away.

Dumped my boyfriend, need to reach out to the old tenant so that I can collect the last of my things at the storage unit....and you know what? I'm feeling so much stress I really just want to get a case of the fuck its and let it go. But there is a lot of personal information in those files. Tax returns, old memories, important programs etc.

If I was wealthy I'd have a personal assistant to deal with this stuff and then I'd be 300% more functional in life. I could just focus on the things that build me up and make me strong or things that I'm good at. Rant over.....it wasn't even a blog.

A rant.

Relationship Update

So clearly my picker is off......I've been robbed by Spencer Moss my previous boyfriend. Good lawrd. Last ex tried to murder me, was a convicted rapist...this new ex robbed me and has an arrest history of theft, assault, and rape. Of course everyone will blame me. Maybe I should just order my cats now and become a cat lady early in life.

FUCK!

Bullied

A friend of mine posted online recently that he stuck up for himself after being violently bullied from someone a few years ago. I cheered him on and it gave me great joy to do so. I spent my whole life being bullied, pushed around, made fun of and sometimes from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. A few years ago I realized that taking the 'high road' and being 'diplomatic' hasn't gotten me any further in life than if I would have told them off.

So two years ago I made a promise to myself that if bullied, mistreated, pushed around or treated like a doormat I was going to fight back. Its not a popular choice but for fucks sake I am tired of dealing with idiots. My heart goes out to my friend who now feels guilty about pushing back but I can't help but continue to cheer him on.

I'm complex.

In a Relationship

So for the past two weeks Ive been casually seeing someone and I'm not at the lovely dovey stage but I'm definitely at the like stage. He is a nice young man and seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. He's smart, friendly and affectionate. In the military, but this does seem real. Only time will tell.

I'm putting myself out there to get hurt but I'm also willing to try to see if it leads to the best thing that ever happened. You never know unless you never try. I'm excited for the possibilities.