Whitney's Birthday!

August 9th has always been a day of great reflection for me because my favorite singer's birthday is that day: Whitney Houston. Unfortunately a few years ago she died from a heart attack and music for me has never been the same. On the same branch it was my ex husbands birthday. Its been a few years since we've been married but I never forget dates.....a few minutes ago I sprung out of bed and went to go look at his facebook page.

HUGE MISTAKE.

Why on gods green earth would I want to do that? So of course I start reading comments and they are always about not being able to find a 'faithful' woman, who is capable of 'unconditional love'. Then I read side comments about how he's ruined for future marriages because his first marriage ended so badly. Ugh..... First of all, I never cheated, never even had the inclination. He was caught 4 times before the 5th and final cheat that was inexcusable.

WHY DID I READ HIS PAGE?

I tend to still send out text messages on certain days but I think this will be the first Birthday I will not text, write, or do anything. It hurts me to be so blunt and I wish I would have never gone to his site. What was I thinking?

Randomness

Ugh....today has been filled with awkward randomness. Mostly from aggressive people off the internet. Sadly I can't published the third because I'm too close to the source. In a nutshell I stuck up for a friend and then they sided with the oppressor?! What the fuck? Anyhow here's how my life went today. Just a sneak peak into how I'm treated as a trans woman in America.

One could argue that I go out looking for a fight but as you can clearly see I'm just asking if a makeup will cover a beard. The other I'm just asking if the church is inclusive. I appreciate the allies that came to my defense on the Church issue. Some days I just gotta shake my head

Music Inside

A lot has been weighing on my soul lately. I'm loosing my house that I got financed last year. I've had a tenant living in it for the past few months to make the payments. They move out in a few days....depressing but I'll start over again.

Through out my life the one thing that has renewed my soul, kept me living and gotten me out of bed is the love of music. I've been doing a lot of karaoke lately and its really helped me come out of my shell. Its also woken up things inside of myself that I thought had long died. I want to record. I want to do things that compliment my voice. Take voice lessons and make music for my soul.

I'm not the next Whitney Houston, but I have something to give. I want to give it.

Crazy C*nt

Seems like I'm a magnet for guys who talk down to me, treat me like trash or are mean. A few days ago I was talking to someone who was responding to my craigslist ad for a long term relationship. In my ad it says:

Craigslist attracts weirdos most of the time but I keep trying. I really want someone who is sexual WITHOUT objectifying me. It's possible folks. I'm a person not a fetish or sexual preference. I'm looking for long term only. Feel free to look that up. No nsa or fwb action. If you can't handle that don't reply. It doesn't take a PhD to understand that.

Within a few minutes the first thing he asks about is things that objectify me, tokenize me or reduce me to a fetish. So I say, hey I'm not interested in that kind of talk or being treated that way. His response? I'm a crazy cunt who's also a hoe? I put his picture and message on facebook to see if anyone has heard or seen of him before. Of course everyone clams up and says they don't know.

Its possible that they don't know but its equally possible that someone recognized their 'friend' and just let them know I put them on blast. All I know is that I'm tried of being treated like a piece of meat and not getting the respect I deserve as a human being. Perhaps I should just kill myself and be done with it? Then I don't have to deal with ugly messages like this or live in a world that clearly doesn't want me to exist at all?

Hysterical Education

I really started to like a guy that I was talking to and then when he asked what I do for a living he laughed at me. Perhaps my pride is in the way but I wasn't born into a middle class family or into wealth. I grew up in trailer courts, and apartments in low income area's, trying desperately to get by through the free lunch program at school. My mom is the only woman in my family to get a degree of any kind. She completed a certificate program in criminal justice. I'm the only person in my family to get past a quickie college and get a degree at a university. Eventually I'd like to earn my masters degree or my PhD but we'll see how far I can get on student loans.

There is nothing funny about how I've had to struggle for everything I have. After my divorce I have even less. All that I own can fit in a childs suitcase and a fishing tackle box. I have no car, homes, business, or even a place to live. I surf of people's couches and live off food stamps and free healthcare from the state. Proud? Perhaps. I'm just doing the best I can. I really wish people would think about what they say before they say them. I know I'm poor, ugly, white trash but the only thing I have that nobody can take away is my education.

Dating Idiots

A lot of my time in the dating world surrounds having to defend myself, explain myself or excuse myself from a conversation. Its emotionally exhausting. Most recently I had a conversation with a dude who lamented that he was tired of girls judging him based upon his brown skin, and how he couldn't get anyone to take him serious. Then he went onto objectify me with my looks, sexualize me because of my gender and when I pointed it out he peaced out abruptly.

This guy tended to be a lot more polite than most but how do you constantly live in a world where you are a social pariah, not welcome and are just tokenized from general society? I don't know....if I had an answer I wouldn't have this blog. This is my life.....welcome to the road less traveled-

Closeted Narcissist

nar·cis·sist

[ˈnärsəsəst]

NOUN

1. a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves:

   
   

I've had a few days to think about this and I was starting to think that I was a closeted narcissist and didn't realize it. Why did I feel the need to tell my friends to vote democrat so much this fall? Why did it feel so personal? I didn't feel that way with McCain, Romney, or Bush. I've voted independent before with the 2008 election after Clinton lost and voted for Obama's reelection in 2012. However....there is more on the line. We can't go back to a social experiment that we did in 1999/2000 with the Bush/Gore Florida incident.

There is no such thing as throwing away a vote. I've firmly believed that my whole life, unless of course you don't vote at all which is surrender. Then it dawned on me, that I'm not narcissist when it comes to begging and pleading for people to vote for Clinton this fall. Its not all about me. I simply don't have the privilege in this election to vote in any direction. We are at a crossroads for the first time in a long time; where we can let a fascist, narcissist, misogynist, islamophobic, homophobic, transaphobic, bankrupt ceo, game show host have control of the United States of America.  

Never before has a candidate for President had zero experience in the 21st century and made it so far. Never before has someone who has more experience bankrupting corporations than measure of success than Trump. Nobody goes on record as often as Trump through lying about his past, his experience or about politics. Never had a candidate openly been endorsed by the KKK, Russia, and actively solicited our enemies to hack American documents (which is a violation of the Logan Act). Its been since Jackson that a candidate wanted to 'register" and get rid of Americans because their beliefs don't match their own. Jackson was famous for murdering millions of Native Americans and sending them to concentration camps, now known as 'reservations."

He also wants to overturn decades of work for the gay, and lesbian community. Taking us back to the 20th century where only certain folks are allowed to marry. He's also an outspoken opponent of Transgender civil rights and wants to police bathrooms, identity and medical statuses.

In the 2000 election I voted for Gore, 2004 I voted for Kerry, 2008 I voted independent, 2012 I supported Obama, and I'd like to have the ability to say wishy washy things like 'its all politics', and 'nobodys perfect'. But there's more on the line than ever before. We are at nerve center where we decide the future of so many minorities, including women, people of color, LGBT folk, future education standards, mental health, reasonable gun regulation, environmental issues, and the supreme court nominees.

I know how I'll vote this fall because I realize we have a two party system. Is it broken? Sure. Its broken from within, then the best people suited to fix it, leave. Why? Because its easier to build a new building than it is to renovate every room, every floor, change out employee's, and implement new ideas. Its easy to throw your hands up, stomp your feet, throw a fit and go hide in the corner. Instead I implore you to work. I ask that you take the road with more resistance. I beg that you put aside your hurt feelings and help heal the democratic party. We have a flawed system because its flawed people who run it.

At one time we believed in America certain individuals were considered property. We said that interracial relationships were not okay, that women were to remain silent and never vote. We took on child labor laws, because at one time if you were old enough to walk, you were old enough to work. If you were considered Asian you could be sent to a camp to live out your days. If you didn't convert to a chosen religion or set standard you were murdered or sent to a 'reservation." Parents were allowed to institutionalize gay, lesbian, and transgender folks for 'mental illness' because of their deviant 'chosen' lifestyle. We once had a set standard for one race, at a water fountain or bus and a substandard for other races. We proudly burned crosses in yards to intimidate minorities and make them feel inferior. It wasn't too long ago if you fell on the autism spectrum you could be locked up away in an institution for the rest of your life.

I don't remind you of these things because I'm a bleeding heart liberal but because none of these things have changed in the past because people ran off to join other parties. We wouldn't be here today in societies standards if Rosa Parks would have said, 'ehhh let someone else work from within," or if the Loving family would have not contested their right to marry interracially. Or if women wouldn't have stood up, been sent to jail, publically beaten and humiliated to demonstrate the right to vote. I could use dozens of examples over time but the fact remains that everything that is good in America happened because people worked from within the system. A flawed system and said, 'no we can do better.' We can hold people accountable and not act like toddlers.

I have no interest in debating the qualifications for the other people who ran for president because the truth is we only have two candidates. Trump or Clinton. The most qualified person to ever run for president in the 21st century, or someone who has filed for bankruptcy 4 times, married 3 different women, and has no experience. I also have no interest in sabotaging the election process by voting for 3rd party candidates. If they wanted to make a legitimate change within America, they'd join the two major parties and work from within because that's what American's do. We work with each other and not against one another. We don't take the easy road. We take the sustainable, hard fought, long lasting, and effective change that helps as many people as possible.

In 2016 we don't have any room for narcissist voting practices or people who want to go have 'tea'. We either live together, or die alone in the gas chambers. Dark image, but in this election, more than ever before.....its totally plausible.