RIP Debra Thayer Lund

 Debra was a very special friend of mine. Our friendship began in 2003 when we both worked at Verizon Wireless together. She was a gem on the phone, a hard worker and someone who always did her job correctly. Sadly after about 6 months she left to go back to work in the real estate market and we lost touch for a few years. That didn't stop me from sending Christmas cards every year and occasionally talking on the phone.

Sometimes it was painfully hard to be her friend because she also suffered from depression, anxiety and other health problems. Sometimes she mirrored me too much and that was too painful to deal with. So I would have to keep our

conversations short sometimes. Especially back when we all still used dial up internet and she could go on & on for days. I feel absolutely terrible for saying that. It makes me feel small, selfish and insignificant for saying that but its the truth. I also had battles to deal with and sometimes it was too much like the ones I was already fighting.

About once a year we would go out to dinner and then for about 3 years she stopped being a presence on the internet and I became very worried for her. As it turned out she was having some very serious medical problems and was living with relatives. As it turns out they kicked her out and gave her just days to leave so I took her in when she was homeless. We lived together for about 6 months until we could get her into an assisted care facility.

We fought sometimes but mostly because it was a small apartment and we lived very different lives. She was best when her husband was around because he filled in her gaps. Plus she was very ill and illness does things to people that makes them irritable. That can be for you and them sometimes. It doesn't matter. I wish there was more I could have done but over the next two years we kept in touch online and met up a few times for lunch, in the hospital when she was really ill, and then the last time I saw her she attended my birthday party a few weeks ago.

I had grown accustom to seeing Debra ill that I didn't really recognize how ill she really was the last time I saw her. I did see some major bruising and she told me that she was in kidney failure and it was from the dialysis. I did notice that they had switched her mental health meds around because she was a little.....off. I thought to myself, why is she on such a strong dose? Is she dealing with something larger?

Keep in mind it hasn't hit me that kidney failure is a big deal. I just assumed that at 47 she could kick its ass and we'd all be laughing about it someday. Besides the last time I talked to her she had lost over 70 lbs but she was getting some bone testing done for some reason. I've reached out to her family but haven't gotten much of a response. Im sure they are still in mourning as well.

She died three weeks ago but I just learned about it last night after "Drag Queen Bingo." I was an absolute wreck and woke up Alex to tell him not to log on until he talked to me. I didn't want him to learn through my posting. All day I've been wracking my brain about how I could have been a better friend, a better supporter and advocate for Debra. She was an AMAZING person.

Very kind hearten, soft spoken, giggly, almost childlike in how she approached life's adventures but she suffered a lot the last 5 years. Im guessing and I'll correct this later if I am wrong but Im guessing that between her kidneys and diabetes her body just gave out. Her life is a huge wake up call to me because my diabetes is getting better and Im loosing weight but I need to take it a lot more serious.

It seems to me that I am making this all about myself and that isn't my intention either. I cannot stand it when other people go through things, or families go through things and the friends make it all about themselves. Thats disgusting to me. Im a very sensitive person though and I've always considered her a part of my family.

We have been through a lot together. She gave me some wonderful advice that got me through my 20's and 30's. She was the one who broke the news to me that Whitney Houston had died. She was there when my dog Betty died. We talked on the phone when I lost some of my jobs. Her death just doesn't seem real to me. Im in denial in a huge way.

Debra was a big foodie just like me and we were always exchanging recipes, reviews for places we've ate at, and what I'll miss the most (other than her friendship of course) is just sharing a meal with her and talking. She was an amazing listener, friend and wife. I know she is no longer in pain and she is among the stars now but today and maybe longer Im going to be selfish and be in mourning. My mind just cannot wrap around this. It feels like I should still be able to pick up the phone and call her. Email her, or stop by her care facility.

She once came into my house and put angels all over my house. I wish I had those damn things now. She can be all of our angel now that she's crossed over to the other side. I loved you Debra, and I will forever miss your smile, giggle and friendship.

Love,
SVJ

Im Out of Meds But Not Out of My Mind

So a few weeks ago I got a letter from my insurance company that said they were not going to renew my Prisique (sp?) Rx because it cost too much money. I scoffed and thought, hmm... I wonder if a few thousand dollar visit to the ER or hospital is cheaper? Well of course (thankfully) it didn't come to that. I was still on the other antidepressant (Lexapro) and despite Prisique being dropped suddenly I didn't have withdrawl or extremely low-lows.

I've managed well and I think a lot has to do with the fact that none of my friends have died lately, I moved, I LOVE my new location/apt and things are finally starting to come together after 5-6 years of struggling to get here. I worked a few days at the cafe and started to move thing around and then we stopped suddenly because we aren't ready to open.

It looks soo good though and things are really coming together really well. It has also been really great to have the summer off and even though I go back in 3-4 weeks I feel like I can take on the world again after having a break. Breaks are needed sometimes. The stress from this summer has been absolutely agony. Im thankful things are turning around.

Im out of meds, but not out of my mind,
SVJ

All Moved But Not All Better

Moving changed my self esteem and self worth but it didn't do anything for my finances of course and the problems I had before I was  homeless are still there. However that being said I do feel a lot better and now my 'problems' seem a lot smaller than what they were while being homeless so thats a big thing.

Robin Williams comited suicide a few days ago and of course all the nasties in the world jumped on the band wagon to misconstrue what depression, mental illness and what suicide is. Everyone is jumping to digest what happened and make since of it all but clearly there is no digestible, easy answer. Perhaps though this will lead people to have more of an understanding, and empathy for people suffering with depression. HOPEFULLY.

The animals are doing much better now that they have been stabilized and no longer have a weird sleeping environment. I was very blessed to be able to sleep on some floors over the past few weeks but our bed is supremely better than anything that happened in the last few weeks.

Im trucking on and hoping on. I hope you are with me-
SVJ

RIP Christian

So a few years ago my friend Joker (Jeremy James Brent) died and I got to meet the most genuine and nice fella naked Christian. We exchanged Christmas cards over the years, and sympathy cards when things would go wrong. Over the years our friendship grew around the love of cats.

My husband loves cats and so did Christian. Well it was just about a year ago he stopped replying to my posts. Turns out he had surgery and it took a turn for the worse. From my understanding he had a bad reaction to the anesthesia. Over 9 months he learned to walk and talk again but then just last week he died suddenly.

He wrapped up his affairs and died. Just died. My heart just broke. A man I never met, but managed to create a great internet friendship just died. I hate that and it happens too often. Everyone needs to start living forever or at least until I die. (nervous giggle)

I've seen lots of posts online since I was able to get back online again and lots of people have died in the last 45 days I've been homeless. I hope it stops because I can't go through another month like I did a few months ago where there was a death a week or more.

Stop dying please,
SVJ

Not My Finest Hour

So Alex and I have been rushing around for the last few days and during that time frame all I had to eat was a 1/2 a burger and 1/2 bowl of soup. He putz's around the house and Im begging him to take me to the store so I can get something to eat. My sugar keeps falling, and falling and falling. Finally at the bring of despair I just loose my goard.

I said things that weren't rational, normal or even nice. We immediately got some fast food (I know, on average that would be a horrible choice but I needed fast carbs) and I started to feel better in a few hours but my diabetes did not like me not eating for almost 2 days. Im back on track now but I feel really bad about what happened.

I apologized for what I said but not for how I reacted. I begged him for over a day to get me something to eat and he was unwilling. I think he has a better understanding now and hopefully I can get my sugars back on track over the next few days.

Le' Sigh-

SVJ

The Red Ribbon Show

I was fortunate enough to be asked to perform at this years Red Ribbon show under the direction and vision of Johnny Woo Foxx (Jonathan Reitan) but I felt extremely guilty that I couldn't put something fabulous together because I was homeless. I couldn't buy great outfits, train a bunch of back up dancers or build a set. Instead I did Janet Jackson's song "Feedback" and hoped for the best.

When my dear friend Fabulanzaa announced me on stage I thought I was going to puke because it was such a warm, loving and kind entrance that I thought....I'm never going to measure up to that. She was so wonderful and I cherish her friendship...along with Mr. Woo as well.

When I concluded my song, I got a round of applause a few people tipped me. Most of the people from Salem stonewalled me, yet again but I kept my head high and kept trucking on. Thats all I can really do despite such adversity. I am a loving and caring person that tries her heart out to make things work. I volunteer all my time, and energy trying to make the world a better place and sometimes I fail. I feel like a failure now.

However that being said we did raise (collectively but mostly through the work of Johnny) that night 26,000.00 for HIV charities. Im honored to call him my friend but ashamed that I didn't do better-

SVJ

Coming out of the dark?

So Gloria Estifan had a great song in the 1980's called Coming Out of the Dark and it has commonly inspired me to come out of the darkness. .... .. well that and some really great rx drugs. The Pristiq Im on is working really well but has made my anxiety a little worse. Hopefully when we start to tier off the other drug it will get better but who knows?

We are completely homeless now. Sleeping on the streets, with friends, family and shelters. Life is hard but we are getting by. Im in the library now typing this up and trying to kill time til its time to return to the housing area.

Please keep Alex and I in your prayers as we try to navigate this bumpy road. We need to find a place to live FAST!!

-SVJ