Whooooaaa Slow Down

I've been out of my anxiety medications for a few days and its really made a (negative) difference in my life. Thankfully it hasn't set off my depression at all but I am constantly hungry, anxious, worried and I feel very Eeyore.

I called my pharmacy and MD so hopefully that will clear itself up soon. Additionally I needed help transferring my healthcare to Portland and as of tonight thats done too. I feel like I've gotten a lot of stuff done today but still haven't been motivated to leave my bed. Besides the fact Im SUPER dizzy from not being on the medication and my mood swings are EPIC.

Alex and I got some stuff done around the house and we prioritized a few other things. My college life has gone back normal now that the campaign season is over and Im excited for that because I love to learn. Also I learned that I can get my other books on tape for me to listen to them through the college. VERY happy about that.

Im spinning but things are also slowing way down-
SVJ

Painfully Aware

Sometimes when Im out gigging at events I look around the room and I can really tell occasionally with perfect clarity that I don't fit in anywhere. I feel absolutely alone in a crowd full of people most of the time and it pains me to know that at the end of the day most people don't really want anything to do with me.

And yet I keep putting myself out there and doing it over and over again. I went to a meeting earlier in the day and immediately discovered and the majority of the people wouldn't even make eye contact with me or carry on a conversation. The next stop was at home and I have a leak in my roof which didn't make me too happy.

Followed by going to a gig where I judged a show and found myself wondering what the hell makes me qualified to judge other people? Im no better than any one else. Granted I love doing it because I'd like to think I help them and Im not judging to be cruel. In fact one of the girls I ended up giving a few gowns to at the end of the night.

Im rambling. Seriously sometimes I just want to hang myself in the closet but then I realize that if I fail I'll have to explain why or how I broke the closet and I'd die of embarrassment-

SVJ

RIP Logan Lestat

Logan was a gentle soul who had a kick ass rock star side to himself. We became fast friends through my best friend Amy and over the last 10 months his condition has worsened until his body became so frail that it could no longer continue.

Logans spirit was towering through and if his spirit could have saved him he would have lived a million years. He was an honest straight shooter that always kept you on your toes with new movies to watch and music to listen to.

We had a few special moments over the years but this last Christmas we all sat down and had a wonderful dinner together at Starkies Bar. It was enjoyable to hang out, and a lesson that I learned early on from Amy was to not mourn Logan while he was still alive.

I didn't, and its by far some of the best advice I've ever heard. We never know when or how we are going to go but Logan fought until his body couldn't go no more. I will always admire his strong spirit, comical genius and his passion for life-

Rest in peace,
SVJ

A Reason to Live?

This picture (with credit in the upper right hand corner) pretty much sums up what I've been feeling lately. So many things have been going absolutely right and others have totally flat-lined. For instance my transportation issues were solved, my job problems were kinda solved even though I don't actually make any money yet because the business isn't open.

I haven't seen any of my doctors in over two months and that includes my therapist. I hate red tape, I hate long wait times on the phone, I hate talking to bitchy secretaries, I hate dealing with the whole process of moving my insurance to a different location and I realize that probably sounds like a lot of "unnecessary hate" but I really detest red tape.

Im almost out of my antidepressants and really that only works with my anxiety NOT my depression. Pristiq is not covered by my insurance so Im just up a creek on that one. I feel like Im ranting and that I should just shut up, and shut down. I really, really, don't want to deal with this. My grades are suffering because Im volunteering too much for one organization/person but that will be over soon thankfully.

Who lied and made up the expression 'it gets better?" It gets better for who exactly? Whatever, I'll go back to suffering in silence- SVJ

 

RIP Norma Ballhorn

Almost two weeks ago my friend Norma died from lung cancer its something that I keep stuffing down deeper and deeper because I have so much stuff going on and Im trying to keep my head above water.

Norma marks at least the 10th friend who has died this year and I know of two more that are about to happen. Im none too pleased and I have a lot on my plate right now. Im sincerely trying to not make this about me because Im not the one who died but I think its a huge loss for our trans community that we no longer have a public advocate to help us fight our battles.

I hope however that she finally get some peace and happiness she so craved in this life that eluded her-

Rest in peace Norma,
SVJ

Unwanted

I came across this quote today and it really spoke to my soul. Its by Mother Teresa, one of my favorite inspirations in life and it clearly speaks to what Im going through right now.

"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted- Mother Teresa

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I volunteer to help people or make other people's dreams come true when it is clearly apparent that they don't care or appreciate my efforts. Perhaps Im just tired and need sleep but my heart can't be told different right now.

Feeling unwanted,
SVJ

Post Debra and other random depression bits

The last month has been really hard without Debra. It seems like I see her everywhere, and in everything I do. Its like her ghost is following me around. Im helping my brother with a campaign and almost three times I've tried to call her to remind her to vote or come to an event....and she's no longer here.

I went out to eat at the Original Pancake House the other day and I kept thinking....wow this was one of her favorite places. Then I have a gig coming up where I am hosting a show this Friday and twice I picked up the phone to 'make sure she knows' and I've since erased her number so Im not tempted to call....

It doesnt' help that lately I've forgotten to take my medicine a few times because I've been super busy. Its though though. Im trying to be everything to everybody else but myself. I'll say that again just so that I can read it later....Im trying to be everything to everybody else but myself.

It seems like I give 100% to everyone because I have this over whelming sense to feel loved and appreciated but because Im always trying to make everyone elses dreams come true mine are always taking a back seat. Im either helping a charity reach its goals, help a friend open a business or trying to get someone elected, making something wonderful for my husband and I often wonder.... whats in it for me? Is that selfish or wrong?

I feel gross even thinking that way because I was raised to think of everyone else other than myself but I can't shake it. When is it my turn to be happy?

Who knows-
SVJ