Wiener?

When people ask me what its like to date in a heteronormative patriarchal society I show them images like this. No manners. No politeness. No kindness.....just straight up hundreds of guys like this asking if I have a "wiener".  They use their male privilege to treat trans people like inferior objects to be played with and discarded.

Which is ironic when you consider his profile says:

"And if we date and become exclusive, claim me, be proud to be with me. When people ask who I am, tell them proudly, "thats my BF"

 Now for the rant....please dont contact me if you are married, have a BF, not ready for something real, want a "Sugar Daddy", my ex wife ran off with all the sugar. I would rather see all your crazy up front before I invest feelings. Its only fair... "

He says he doesn't want to be treated like an object, or used but then in the first line of his private message completely contradicts what he put in his profile.

Welcome to my world-

Oh and just for fun he let me know that it was my fault he used that behavior stating: "since this is online, and you put that out there I wanted to know." Apparently the narrative here is I deserved it because 'insert made up reason here".

Late Lesson

Growing up around my relatives I tried to make them happy and get them to like me. Only three people did.

Before I attended school I tried to get the neighborhood kids to like me. Nobody did.

When I attended K-12 I tried to get my peers to like me. Nobody did.

Every job I've worked at I've tried to make friends. I rarely did.

Every club or group I've been apart of I've tried to get people to like me. Very few and far between.

I'm never in the 'in group', and constantly alone but I'm always told that life is worth living.

Really? Are you sure? For what? I'm not liked. I'm not loved. I don't make a difference, and society wishes that I never existed.

Chapter Ended

I finally got up to Portland to get the rest of my things out of storage, got to visit the Roxy, and show a FWB around town because he was a virgin. I became a lil cranky and tired from the heat but I did pretty good, especially when you consider my new medication helps by leaps and bounds. It was nice to hug old coworkers and actually feel their love from being missed.

Last night was the annual Red Ribbon show & The Gay Portland Pageant. I skipped both due to being tired & salty. Besides it saves me money that I don't have right now. My choices for Mr/Miss/Ms Gay Portland were chosen so Iam happy.

I sure do miss my friend Janine.

Sigh

Cautiously Better

The awkward and painful side of getting better with mental health issues is realizing how lost, and close to death you were. I've been taking a new medication for my anxiety the last few weeks and I really feel amazing. I'm still taking my antidepressants but someone finally believed me that I needed something separate for my anxiety. I have so many apologies to deal out, and deal with but I'm trying to take one day at a time. The last two years were exceptionally hard and until I had a time of stable reflection I didn't know how close I was to not surviving my disease (PTSD). Very vulnerable at this moment but I don't care, I really am feeling better and that's not an "up swing".

Cautiously better...

Headaches, Heat Rash & Homely Behavior

Haven't felt good the last few days. Its been in the 100's and that always makes me kinda sick. So I've just been staying in. This morning I woke up with a terrible headache. Just pounding for me to arise this morning. I instantly had something to eat, some coffee and took some advil. OMG I feel so much better but ....I can't wait for winter.

You'll never hear me complain about the cold-


EVER

?!Perky?!

The last few days on this medication and doing a lot of tough life stuff I'm starting to feel perky again. I enrolled in college, talked to my old landlord, dealt with some bills, and dumped my ex boyfriend. If you can call him an ex? He was more like a 2 week experience LMAO

But me? Perky? WTH

I went on a really great date the other night and that helped tip things in my direction. A guy I thought was kinda....um....not in my league turned out to be well spoken, smart, a snappy dresser, clean, handsome and well mannered. I don't think it will lead to a long term relationship because he seems broken in that regard....but good friends with benefits would be awesome.

But again....I'm perky? Okay....I'll take it

Adulting

Yesterday was super busy....I applied for Oregon State University, sent a message to my old landlord, and filled out my fasfa. All heavy duty work for me. Doesn't seem like much but paperwork, and answering questions really stresses me out. Which is ironic because I don't seem to have the same trouble while I'm actually enrolled in school. When you consider everything is just one test after another but whatever. I'm complicated.

Hopefully I get accepted and can get rolling on my degree again. I miss homework, studying and working towards a goal. I've been floating for the past year and half and its really starting to get on my nerves.

Baby steps.

Coffee & Friendship

Throughout my life one thing that has remained constant since I was 15 years old is just hitting the café, or an old fashioned diner and having coffee. Gather friends, talk, pontificate about ideas that are important to you. This evening my friend Jared invited me out to just have coffee and chill out. It was nice to just get out of the house and do something different..

After a while I start to feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I can't talk about anything or that there is nothing left to discuss. Coffee has always allowed me to bring a small group of people together and just relax. My parents used to go to a coffee shop every single day when I was growing up. Bobby's Café in Post Falls, Idaho. I never understood the sense of community.

Boy I sure do now. I suppose something really do get better as you age....just like wine and good coffee.

Im Savannah

I never get in with the cool crowd,

I'm not invited to the parties,

At the same time they ignore me,

They also wallow in their jealousy,

I have no circle of friends...just lost and lonely,

I'm Savannah, cant you see?

I'm not picked first and always last to be called,

I don't receive friendly text messages,

The only emails I get are to complain,

I'm last to find out someone died,

Because truth is deep down inside,

Nobody cares, I'm Savannah.

I struggle to be seen & I fight to be clean,

I'm not the kind of girl you introduce to mother,

I'm tolerable because I fuck like a porn star,

Chronically homeless, unemployed and hopeless,

Suicide sounds heavenly but sadly I'm told It gets better,

Its not true but it makes others feel better,

Cause I'm Savannah, I can handle any weather.

In a world of happy endings and stories that triumph,

I find no place of solace because it truly doesn't get better,

The blame always lands on my lap because its easier to laugh,

Point and stare, place the blame some where else than here,

It gives you warm fuzzes to deny the problem,

Place the guilt on my shoulders because my humanity doesn't matter,

Why? Because I'm Savannah.

Burry My Head in the Sand

Ugh.....hibernation mode kicks into high gear when I get stressed out. I'd rather sleep, and avoid than to deal with the anxiety. Anyone offering advice just comes off patronizing and condescending that I can't just 'snap out of it.' I'm 36 I know what the options are. I know what the path is. I know how to solve my problem.....but I have anxiety okay? Talking down to me, or making me feel inferior because I just won't 'hop to' isn't going to make my problems go away.

Dumped my boyfriend, need to reach out to the old tenant so that I can collect the last of my things at the storage unit....and you know what? I'm feeling so much stress I really just want to get a case of the fuck its and let it go. But there is a lot of personal information in those files. Tax returns, old memories, important programs etc.

If I was wealthy I'd have a personal assistant to deal with this stuff and then I'd be 300% more functional in life. I could just focus on the things that build me up and make me strong or things that I'm good at. Rant over.....it wasn't even a blog.

A rant.

Relationship Update

So clearly my picker is off......I've been robbed by Spencer Moss my previous boyfriend. Good lawrd. Last ex tried to murder me, was a convicted rapist...this new ex robbed me and has an arrest history of theft, assault, and rape. Of course everyone will blame me. Maybe I should just order my cats now and become a cat lady early in life.

FUCK!

Bullied

A friend of mine posted online recently that he stuck up for himself after being violently bullied from someone a few years ago. I cheered him on and it gave me great joy to do so. I spent my whole life being bullied, pushed around, made fun of and sometimes from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. A few years ago I realized that taking the 'high road' and being 'diplomatic' hasn't gotten me any further in life than if I would have told them off.

So two years ago I made a promise to myself that if bullied, mistreated, pushed around or treated like a doormat I was going to fight back. Its not a popular choice but for fucks sake I am tired of dealing with idiots. My heart goes out to my friend who now feels guilty about pushing back but I can't help but continue to cheer him on.

I'm complex.

In a Relationship

So for the past two weeks Ive been casually seeing someone and I'm not at the lovely dovey stage but I'm definitely at the like stage. He is a nice young man and seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. He's smart, friendly and affectionate. In the military, but this does seem real. Only time will tell.

I'm putting myself out there to get hurt but I'm also willing to try to see if it leads to the best thing that ever happened. You never know unless you never try. I'm excited for the possibilities.

Whitney's Birthday!

August 9th has always been a day of great reflection for me because my favorite singer's birthday is that day: Whitney Houston. Unfortunately a few years ago she died from a heart attack and music for me has never been the same. On the same branch it was my ex husbands birthday. Its been a few years since we've been married but I never forget dates.....a few minutes ago I sprung out of bed and went to go look at his facebook page.

HUGE MISTAKE.

Why on gods green earth would I want to do that? So of course I start reading comments and they are always about not being able to find a 'faithful' woman, who is capable of 'unconditional love'. Then I read side comments about how he's ruined for future marriages because his first marriage ended so badly. Ugh..... First of all, I never cheated, never even had the inclination. He was caught 4 times before the 5th and final cheat that was inexcusable.

WHY DID I READ HIS PAGE?

I tend to still send out text messages on certain days but I think this will be the first Birthday I will not text, write, or do anything. It hurts me to be so blunt and I wish I would have never gone to his site. What was I thinking?

Randomness

Ugh....today has been filled with awkward randomness. Mostly from aggressive people off the internet. Sadly I can't published the third because I'm too close to the source. In a nutshell I stuck up for a friend and then they sided with the oppressor?! What the fuck? Anyhow here's how my life went today. Just a sneak peak into how I'm treated as a trans woman in America.

One could argue that I go out looking for a fight but as you can clearly see I'm just asking if a makeup will cover a beard. The other I'm just asking if the church is inclusive. I appreciate the allies that came to my defense on the Church issue. Some days I just gotta shake my head

Music Inside

A lot has been weighing on my soul lately. I'm loosing my house that I got financed last year. I've had a tenant living in it for the past few months to make the payments. They move out in a few days....depressing but I'll start over again.

Through out my life the one thing that has renewed my soul, kept me living and gotten me out of bed is the love of music. I've been doing a lot of karaoke lately and its really helped me come out of my shell. Its also woken up things inside of myself that I thought had long died. I want to record. I want to do things that compliment my voice. Take voice lessons and make music for my soul.

I'm not the next Whitney Houston, but I have something to give. I want to give it.

Crazy C*nt

Seems like I'm a magnet for guys who talk down to me, treat me like trash or are mean. A few days ago I was talking to someone who was responding to my craigslist ad for a long term relationship. In my ad it says:

Craigslist attracts weirdos most of the time but I keep trying. I really want someone who is sexual WITHOUT objectifying me. It's possible folks. I'm a person not a fetish or sexual preference. I'm looking for long term only. Feel free to look that up. No nsa or fwb action. If you can't handle that don't reply. It doesn't take a PhD to understand that.

Within a few minutes the first thing he asks about is things that objectify me, tokenize me or reduce me to a fetish. So I say, hey I'm not interested in that kind of talk or being treated that way. His response? I'm a crazy cunt who's also a hoe? I put his picture and message on facebook to see if anyone has heard or seen of him before. Of course everyone clams up and says they don't know.

Its possible that they don't know but its equally possible that someone recognized their 'friend' and just let them know I put them on blast. All I know is that I'm tried of being treated like a piece of meat and not getting the respect I deserve as a human being. Perhaps I should just kill myself and be done with it? Then I don't have to deal with ugly messages like this or live in a world that clearly doesn't want me to exist at all?

Hysterical Education

I really started to like a guy that I was talking to and then when he asked what I do for a living he laughed at me. Perhaps my pride is in the way but I wasn't born into a middle class family or into wealth. I grew up in trailer courts, and apartments in low income area's, trying desperately to get by through the free lunch program at school. My mom is the only woman in my family to get a degree of any kind. She completed a certificate program in criminal justice. I'm the only person in my family to get past a quickie college and get a degree at a university. Eventually I'd like to earn my masters degree or my PhD but we'll see how far I can get on student loans.

There is nothing funny about how I've had to struggle for everything I have. After my divorce I have even less. All that I own can fit in a childs suitcase and a fishing tackle box. I have no car, homes, business, or even a place to live. I surf of people's couches and live off food stamps and free healthcare from the state. Proud? Perhaps. I'm just doing the best I can. I really wish people would think about what they say before they say them. I know I'm poor, ugly, white trash but the only thing I have that nobody can take away is my education.

Dating Idiots

A lot of my time in the dating world surrounds having to defend myself, explain myself or excuse myself from a conversation. Its emotionally exhausting. Most recently I had a conversation with a dude who lamented that he was tired of girls judging him based upon his brown skin, and how he couldn't get anyone to take him serious. Then he went onto objectify me with my looks, sexualize me because of my gender and when I pointed it out he peaced out abruptly.

This guy tended to be a lot more polite than most but how do you constantly live in a world where you are a social pariah, not welcome and are just tokenized from general society? I don't know....if I had an answer I wouldn't have this blog. This is my life.....welcome to the road less traveled-

Closeted Narcissist

nar·cis·sist

[ˈnärsəsəst]

NOUN

1. a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves:

   
   

I've had a few days to think about this and I was starting to think that I was a closeted narcissist and didn't realize it. Why did I feel the need to tell my friends to vote democrat so much this fall? Why did it feel so personal? I didn't feel that way with McCain, Romney, or Bush. I've voted independent before with the 2008 election after Clinton lost and voted for Obama's reelection in 2012. However....there is more on the line. We can't go back to a social experiment that we did in 1999/2000 with the Bush/Gore Florida incident.

There is no such thing as throwing away a vote. I've firmly believed that my whole life, unless of course you don't vote at all which is surrender. Then it dawned on me, that I'm not narcissist when it comes to begging and pleading for people to vote for Clinton this fall. Its not all about me. I simply don't have the privilege in this election to vote in any direction. We are at a crossroads for the first time in a long time; where we can let a fascist, narcissist, misogynist, islamophobic, homophobic, transaphobic, bankrupt ceo, game show host have control of the United States of America.  

Never before has a candidate for President had zero experience in the 21st century and made it so far. Never before has someone who has more experience bankrupting corporations than measure of success than Trump. Nobody goes on record as often as Trump through lying about his past, his experience or about politics. Never had a candidate openly been endorsed by the KKK, Russia, and actively solicited our enemies to hack American documents (which is a violation of the Logan Act). Its been since Jackson that a candidate wanted to 'register" and get rid of Americans because their beliefs don't match their own. Jackson was famous for murdering millions of Native Americans and sending them to concentration camps, now known as 'reservations."

He also wants to overturn decades of work for the gay, and lesbian community. Taking us back to the 20th century where only certain folks are allowed to marry. He's also an outspoken opponent of Transgender civil rights and wants to police bathrooms, identity and medical statuses.

In the 2000 election I voted for Gore, 2004 I voted for Kerry, 2008 I voted independent, 2012 I supported Obama, and I'd like to have the ability to say wishy washy things like 'its all politics', and 'nobodys perfect'. But there's more on the line than ever before. We are at nerve center where we decide the future of so many minorities, including women, people of color, LGBT folk, future education standards, mental health, reasonable gun regulation, environmental issues, and the supreme court nominees.

I know how I'll vote this fall because I realize we have a two party system. Is it broken? Sure. Its broken from within, then the best people suited to fix it, leave. Why? Because its easier to build a new building than it is to renovate every room, every floor, change out employee's, and implement new ideas. Its easy to throw your hands up, stomp your feet, throw a fit and go hide in the corner. Instead I implore you to work. I ask that you take the road with more resistance. I beg that you put aside your hurt feelings and help heal the democratic party. We have a flawed system because its flawed people who run it.

At one time we believed in America certain individuals were considered property. We said that interracial relationships were not okay, that women were to remain silent and never vote. We took on child labor laws, because at one time if you were old enough to walk, you were old enough to work. If you were considered Asian you could be sent to a camp to live out your days. If you didn't convert to a chosen religion or set standard you were murdered or sent to a 'reservation." Parents were allowed to institutionalize gay, lesbian, and transgender folks for 'mental illness' because of their deviant 'chosen' lifestyle. We once had a set standard for one race, at a water fountain or bus and a substandard for other races. We proudly burned crosses in yards to intimidate minorities and make them feel inferior. It wasn't too long ago if you fell on the autism spectrum you could be locked up away in an institution for the rest of your life.

I don't remind you of these things because I'm a bleeding heart liberal but because none of these things have changed in the past because people ran off to join other parties. We wouldn't be here today in societies standards if Rosa Parks would have said, 'ehhh let someone else work from within," or if the Loving family would have not contested their right to marry interracially. Or if women wouldn't have stood up, been sent to jail, publically beaten and humiliated to demonstrate the right to vote. I could use dozens of examples over time but the fact remains that everything that is good in America happened because people worked from within the system. A flawed system and said, 'no we can do better.' We can hold people accountable and not act like toddlers.

I have no interest in debating the qualifications for the other people who ran for president because the truth is we only have two candidates. Trump or Clinton. The most qualified person to ever run for president in the 21st century, or someone who has filed for bankruptcy 4 times, married 3 different women, and has no experience. I also have no interest in sabotaging the election process by voting for 3rd party candidates. If they wanted to make a legitimate change within America, they'd join the two major parties and work from within because that's what American's do. We work with each other and not against one another. We don't take the easy road. We take the sustainable, hard fought, long lasting, and effective change that helps as many people as possible.

In 2016 we don't have any room for narcissist voting practices or people who want to go have 'tea'. We either live together, or die alone in the gas chambers. Dark image, but in this election, more than ever before.....its totally plausible.