Delta Airline

1. This whole Delta Airlines b/s reminds me of public school in rural Idaho when teachers used to tell me as a child: Well they wouldn't treat you like a faggot if you didn't act like one. Or a police officer telling me that I can't be raped because I was a prostitute as a teenager.
2. Kicking someone off a plane because they spoke a different language is racist. Trying to put someone in their place by forcing them to assimilate to the culture around them is ethnocentric and not a...n American value. Sanctioning someone for speaking in a different language than your own is discrimination.
3. Equally expecting someone to remain calm, when they're being targeted for an assigned stigma you hold about someone else's culture, speaks to the level of privilege you hold over someone who is actually being victimized. I want you to know that I see you sticking up for Delta. I see you treating the victim as inferior.
4. I see you. You disgust me.

National Coming Out Day

National Coming Out Day

Most people associate National Coming Out Day with Gay & Lesbians but for me in the LGBT community it takes on a different meaning as a transgender woman. I first started transitioning in the second grade and living a double life. At home I would pretend to be what my parents wanted and when I was at school I would be honest but be bullied for it. I can remember many occasions when I complained to administration or teachers and they all said the same thing: stop being yourself and you won't have the problem.

I often wish I could hold the 7 year old version of me in my arms and tell her that she is loved unconditionally. Additionally let her know that despite the psychological damage inflicted upon me by other children, and the physical abuse I had to endure everyday, someday it would be much worse. Its no wonder that we lie to our children and tell them that it gets better. Why would you want to grow up if you knew that life was going to be just as hard if not worse?

Studies show us that 41 percent of trans people commit suicide by age 30, 86 percent endure daily abuses at home or work, 40 percent are unemployed or unemployable, 3 out of 4 have been raped or sexually assaulted, and many are without stable housing. How would I let the 7 year old version of me know not to give up but that it gets worse as you get older? In some states I’m not even allowed to use the restroom or retain a job in America. Yet, I’m expected to be patriotic, and love my country all at the same time.

How would I tell her that most of your friends and family won't understand and that you'll live a very lonely existence in a society that neither wants you, or will give you equal rights? All that I could offer her is that it doesn't get better at all, but you get stronger. You start to realize the way people behave, bully, legislate, and discriminate have nothing to do with you. They are in fact the ones that are broken, insecure, unstable, and live their life in a constant state of fear. Fear of minorities, women, and educated folks who want to make a difference in society.

Almost every great civil rights leader has been murdered because the idea that freedom, love, and peace are so threatening to people who are unable to use their sociological imagination to envision a society that plays together, gets along, and lives in harmony with nature. However just because they are unable to live an honest life, one full of joy and happiness doesn’t mean you can't pursue yours. You are entitled to live in a society that is free of violence against you, a significant other that loves you, and a place where you can rest at night, without fear of repercussions.

I would plead with her that some pretty shitty things will happen so that you can stay alive but that your past does not define you. A rose is still a rose, no matter what it goes though. Don't let oppression make you feel like you need to identify with it. You do not need to become a self-fulfilling prophecy just because the institutions that were supposed to help you, are designed to oppressed you instead. That just because the majority of who you encounter with will make you feel ugly, shameful, and sad, doesn't mean you need to believe them. What they think, and how they treat others, defines them, not you.

I would then kiss her on the cheek and tell her that no matter what, even when you are just surviving, you are inspiring others not to give up. You will educate others so that 7 year olds, 30 years from now will have an easier life than what you lived. Its okay to survive. You will overcome despite adversity. Coming out is the bravest thing you will ever do, just never look back because even if you're moving forward you're still advancing towards your dreams.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Sometimes I get so many mixed messages online its hard to tell if people want me to talk to them or not. Granted I tend to let them start the conversation because I don't want people to think that I'm "trapping" them into something they may not like. So my profile is brutally honest, and even my screen name is: transgendered. There's no mistaking.....

Then there are days like this....that I'm absolutely puzzled. In the long run I'll just ignore him but for a few minutes I feel bad thinking that I've done something wrong until I've analyzed what happened.

Then.....there are times its pretty clear they want to be left alone even though THEY CONTACTED ME. .....but in the long run, I just run for the hills-

SVJ

Institutionalized Racism

Another date goes bust this evening. He didn't stand near me, always walked 2-3 steps ahead of me, constantly over talked me, interrupted and we had a very strongly worded conversation about institutionalized racism. He kept denying that people get discriminated against or during one part of our conversation he said I could keep a job if I didn't 'broadcast" I was transgendered.

Heavy sigh.....

I kept sitting down in hopes that he would talk to me, make eye contact. He never did....always looked on guard and looking around as if he was scanning to see who was seeing him in public with me. When he dropped me off, he didn't even say anything nice, or a casual good bye. Just, "Okay I'm going to go hang out with my daughter now, bye.' I felt so shamed, and little as if I embarrassed him to be in public with him.

Came home, wrote about it on facebook. He through a hissy fit, and told me to fuck off. I guess that's one less Christmas card I have to send out.

Fag

This is my daily life folks. Walking to the mailbox, shopping for groceries, applying for a job, checking in on an apartment for rent, asking for directions, needing assistance from a police officers, questioning a teacher, being emailed on a dating site, or being called at home.

I'm a fag.

I've been called fag, faggot, and queer my whole life. No matter how much good I do for the world, how I try to help others in need, or how educated I become.

I'm a fag.

Trolls Every where!

So when I'm not being trolled on dating sites, I'm being trolled on posts for needing to know information. Yep....razors and a warm bath are the reasons to get out of bed somedays-

I'm an alien now too?

Fall is almost here.....

Nothing has really changed lately. I'm still dealing with dating site jerks, and looking for work. Depression/anxiety is awesome and doing well. Just didn't want to leave you hanging.

-SVJ

Nervous Laugh

Its always nice to be told that you aren't welcome. Even if on sites where I really am welcome and there is space for me in their preferences. Razors and a warm bath people......I'm not going to do it but damn its inviting sometimes.

Nervous laugh.

Razors and Walmart?

Yep....totally need to go to Walmart and just buy some razors..... Seriously, I think it is time to give up sometimes-

SVJ

ohhhh my...

I guess he was married....immediately there after I was blocked on fb and pof

Prince Charming ....do you exist?

Perhaps prince charming only exists in Disney movies, and bad Fox remakes? I got bombarded with three jerks in a row yesterday.....perhaps I should just buy a box of razors and take a warm bath like someone said on facebook yesterday?

then.....

Saaaayyyyyy whut?

My profile clearly lists on OkCupid that I'm a transgender female and yet all day I receive messages like this. I wish people understood its not my responsibility to be their personal Wikipedia, or satisfy their 'curious' needs. Stop using your privilege to make other people feel inferior-

Big sigh...

She-Mail

A few years ago RuPaul got in trouble with some millennials over the term She-Mail. Not Shemale, but the word She-Mail. A line was drawn in the trans community that what this really meant was that she was making fun of transgender people. Ironically she recreated a word, and coined it on a show that is famous for crossdressing for entertainment purposes: Drag.

I think above all else that the context in which this was used is how she should be judged on its usage. After all if you take someone to court over an issue you can't charge one way and mean another. In the realm of public opinion it gets a little messy because the court of public opinion has no rules or set boundaries.

The prevailing idea about the term She-Mail was that RuPaul was delivering some mail via the television to her contestants. She wasn't treating them inferior and calling them porn actors with the term she-male. Which in a different spelling and different context means something completely different.

That's why language is so fascinating to me. Words have meaning based upon the context in which they are used. Same with people going on a television show to "Roast" someone. You know what you signed up for. All jokes, good and bad are going to be on limits and nothing off limits. It is its own context.

#TeamRuPaul
#TeamContext
#TeamSanity

MrBell61

Seriously .....days like this make me just want to hang myself in the closet or in the woods. Id be too afraid though that a child or one of my parents would find me. Hell I don't want anyone to find me that way. Anyways, I'm just venting but god my soul is tired today-

SVJ

Nudes?

Everyday on Facebook, twitter, and dating sites this is what I see. At least a dozen of these "lovely" messages from twatcicles like this-

SVJ

Match

Definitely not a match this time but I'm getting tired of online bullies. If my prince is out there, now would be a good time to let me know you have a crush on me. I'm seriously getting to my wits end.

Depressed but not dead-

Wiener?

When people ask me what its like to date in a heteronormative patriarchal society I show them images like this. No manners. No politeness. No kindness.....just straight up hundreds of guys like this asking if I have a "wiener".  They use their male privilege to treat trans people like inferior objects to be played with and discarded.

Which is ironic when you consider his profile says:

"And if we date and become exclusive, claim me, be proud to be with me. When people ask who I am, tell them proudly, "thats my BF"

 Now for the rant....please dont contact me if you are married, have a BF, not ready for something real, want a "Sugar Daddy", my ex wife ran off with all the sugar. I would rather see all your crazy up front before I invest feelings. Its only fair... "

He says he doesn't want to be treated like an object, or used but then in the first line of his private message completely contradicts what he put in his profile.

Welcome to my world-

Oh and just for fun he let me know that it was my fault he used that behavior stating: "since this is online, and you put that out there I wanted to know." Apparently the narrative here is I deserved it because 'insert made up reason here".

Late Lesson

Growing up around my relatives I tried to make them happy and get them to like me. Only three people did.

Before I attended school I tried to get the neighborhood kids to like me. Nobody did.

When I attended K-12 I tried to get my peers to like me. Nobody did.

Every job I've worked at I've tried to make friends. I rarely did.

Every club or group I've been apart of I've tried to get people to like me. Very few and far between.

I'm never in the 'in group', and constantly alone but I'm always told that life is worth living.

Really? Are you sure? For what? I'm not liked. I'm not loved. I don't make a difference, and society wishes that I never existed.

Chapter Ended

I finally got up to Portland to get the rest of my things out of storage, got to visit the Roxy, and show a FWB around town because he was a virgin. I became a lil cranky and tired from the heat but I did pretty good, especially when you consider my new medication helps by leaps and bounds. It was nice to hug old coworkers and actually feel their love from being missed.

Last night was the annual Red Ribbon show & The Gay Portland Pageant. I skipped both due to being tired & salty. Besides it saves me money that I don't have right now. My choices for Mr/Miss/Ms Gay Portland were chosen so Iam happy.

I sure do miss my friend Janine.

Sigh

Cautiously Better

The awkward and painful side of getting better with mental health issues is realizing how lost, and close to death you were. I've been taking a new medication for my anxiety the last few weeks and I really feel amazing. I'm still taking my antidepressants but someone finally believed me that I needed something separate for my anxiety. I have so many apologies to deal out, and deal with but I'm trying to take one day at a time. The last two years were exceptionally hard and until I had a time of stable reflection I didn't know how close I was to not surviving my disease (PTSD). Very vulnerable at this moment but I don't care, I really am feeling better and that's not an "up swing".

Cautiously better...

Headaches, Heat Rash & Homely Behavior

Haven't felt good the last few days. Its been in the 100's and that always makes me kinda sick. So I've just been staying in. This morning I woke up with a terrible headache. Just pounding for me to arise this morning. I instantly had something to eat, some coffee and took some advil. OMG I feel so much better but ....I can't wait for winter.

You'll never hear me complain about the cold-


EVER

?!Perky?!

The last few days on this medication and doing a lot of tough life stuff I'm starting to feel perky again. I enrolled in college, talked to my old landlord, dealt with some bills, and dumped my ex boyfriend. If you can call him an ex? He was more like a 2 week experience LMAO

But me? Perky? WTH

I went on a really great date the other night and that helped tip things in my direction. A guy I thought was kinda....um....not in my league turned out to be well spoken, smart, a snappy dresser, clean, handsome and well mannered. I don't think it will lead to a long term relationship because he seems broken in that regard....but good friends with benefits would be awesome.

But again....I'm perky? Okay....I'll take it

Adulting

Yesterday was super busy....I applied for Oregon State University, sent a message to my old landlord, and filled out my fasfa. All heavy duty work for me. Doesn't seem like much but paperwork, and answering questions really stresses me out. Which is ironic because I don't seem to have the same trouble while I'm actually enrolled in school. When you consider everything is just one test after another but whatever. I'm complicated.

Hopefully I get accepted and can get rolling on my degree again. I miss homework, studying and working towards a goal. I've been floating for the past year and half and its really starting to get on my nerves.

Baby steps.

Coffee & Friendship

Throughout my life one thing that has remained constant since I was 15 years old is just hitting the café, or an old fashioned diner and having coffee. Gather friends, talk, pontificate about ideas that are important to you. This evening my friend Jared invited me out to just have coffee and chill out. It was nice to just get out of the house and do something different..

After a while I start to feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I can't talk about anything or that there is nothing left to discuss. Coffee has always allowed me to bring a small group of people together and just relax. My parents used to go to a coffee shop every single day when I was growing up. Bobby's Café in Post Falls, Idaho. I never understood the sense of community.

Boy I sure do now. I suppose something really do get better as you age....just like wine and good coffee.

Im Savannah

I never get in with the cool crowd,

I'm not invited to the parties,

At the same time they ignore me,

They also wallow in their jealousy,

I have no circle of friends...just lost and lonely,

I'm Savannah, cant you see?

I'm not picked first and always last to be called,

I don't receive friendly text messages,

The only emails I get are to complain,

I'm last to find out someone died,

Because truth is deep down inside,

Nobody cares, I'm Savannah.

I struggle to be seen & I fight to be clean,

I'm not the kind of girl you introduce to mother,

I'm tolerable because I fuck like a porn star,

Chronically homeless, unemployed and hopeless,

Suicide sounds heavenly but sadly I'm told It gets better,

Its not true but it makes others feel better,

Cause I'm Savannah, I can handle any weather.

In a world of happy endings and stories that triumph,

I find no place of solace because it truly doesn't get better,

The blame always lands on my lap because its easier to laugh,

Point and stare, place the blame some where else than here,

It gives you warm fuzzes to deny the problem,

Place the guilt on my shoulders because my humanity doesn't matter,

Why? Because I'm Savannah.

Burry My Head in the Sand

Ugh.....hibernation mode kicks into high gear when I get stressed out. I'd rather sleep, and avoid than to deal with the anxiety. Anyone offering advice just comes off patronizing and condescending that I can't just 'snap out of it.' I'm 36 I know what the options are. I know what the path is. I know how to solve my problem.....but I have anxiety okay? Talking down to me, or making me feel inferior because I just won't 'hop to' isn't going to make my problems go away.

Dumped my boyfriend, need to reach out to the old tenant so that I can collect the last of my things at the storage unit....and you know what? I'm feeling so much stress I really just want to get a case of the fuck its and let it go. But there is a lot of personal information in those files. Tax returns, old memories, important programs etc.

If I was wealthy I'd have a personal assistant to deal with this stuff and then I'd be 300% more functional in life. I could just focus on the things that build me up and make me strong or things that I'm good at. Rant over.....it wasn't even a blog.

A rant.

Relationship Update

So clearly my picker is off......I've been robbed by Spencer Moss my previous boyfriend. Good lawrd. Last ex tried to murder me, was a convicted rapist...this new ex robbed me and has an arrest history of theft, assault, and rape. Of course everyone will blame me. Maybe I should just order my cats now and become a cat lady early in life.

FUCK!

Bullied

A friend of mine posted online recently that he stuck up for himself after being violently bullied from someone a few years ago. I cheered him on and it gave me great joy to do so. I spent my whole life being bullied, pushed around, made fun of and sometimes from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. A few years ago I realized that taking the 'high road' and being 'diplomatic' hasn't gotten me any further in life than if I would have told them off.

So two years ago I made a promise to myself that if bullied, mistreated, pushed around or treated like a doormat I was going to fight back. Its not a popular choice but for fucks sake I am tired of dealing with idiots. My heart goes out to my friend who now feels guilty about pushing back but I can't help but continue to cheer him on.

I'm complex.

In a Relationship

So for the past two weeks Ive been casually seeing someone and I'm not at the lovely dovey stage but I'm definitely at the like stage. He is a nice young man and seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. He's smart, friendly and affectionate. In the military, but this does seem real. Only time will tell.

I'm putting myself out there to get hurt but I'm also willing to try to see if it leads to the best thing that ever happened. You never know unless you never try. I'm excited for the possibilities.

Whitney's Birthday!

August 9th has always been a day of great reflection for me because my favorite singer's birthday is that day: Whitney Houston. Unfortunately a few years ago she died from a heart attack and music for me has never been the same. On the same branch it was my ex husbands birthday. Its been a few years since we've been married but I never forget dates.....a few minutes ago I sprung out of bed and went to go look at his facebook page.

HUGE MISTAKE.

Why on gods green earth would I want to do that? So of course I start reading comments and they are always about not being able to find a 'faithful' woman, who is capable of 'unconditional love'. Then I read side comments about how he's ruined for future marriages because his first marriage ended so badly. Ugh..... First of all, I never cheated, never even had the inclination. He was caught 4 times before the 5th and final cheat that was inexcusable.

WHY DID I READ HIS PAGE?

I tend to still send out text messages on certain days but I think this will be the first Birthday I will not text, write, or do anything. It hurts me to be so blunt and I wish I would have never gone to his site. What was I thinking?

Randomness

Ugh....today has been filled with awkward randomness. Mostly from aggressive people off the internet. Sadly I can't published the third because I'm too close to the source. In a nutshell I stuck up for a friend and then they sided with the oppressor?! What the fuck? Anyhow here's how my life went today. Just a sneak peak into how I'm treated as a trans woman in America.

One could argue that I go out looking for a fight but as you can clearly see I'm just asking if a makeup will cover a beard. The other I'm just asking if the church is inclusive. I appreciate the allies that came to my defense on the Church issue. Some days I just gotta shake my head

Music Inside

A lot has been weighing on my soul lately. I'm loosing my house that I got financed last year. I've had a tenant living in it for the past few months to make the payments. They move out in a few days....depressing but I'll start over again.

Through out my life the one thing that has renewed my soul, kept me living and gotten me out of bed is the love of music. I've been doing a lot of karaoke lately and its really helped me come out of my shell. Its also woken up things inside of myself that I thought had long died. I want to record. I want to do things that compliment my voice. Take voice lessons and make music for my soul.

I'm not the next Whitney Houston, but I have something to give. I want to give it.

Crazy C*nt

Seems like I'm a magnet for guys who talk down to me, treat me like trash or are mean. A few days ago I was talking to someone who was responding to my craigslist ad for a long term relationship. In my ad it says:

Craigslist attracts weirdos most of the time but I keep trying. I really want someone who is sexual WITHOUT objectifying me. It's possible folks. I'm a person not a fetish or sexual preference. I'm looking for long term only. Feel free to look that up. No nsa or fwb action. If you can't handle that don't reply. It doesn't take a PhD to understand that.

Within a few minutes the first thing he asks about is things that objectify me, tokenize me or reduce me to a fetish. So I say, hey I'm not interested in that kind of talk or being treated that way. His response? I'm a crazy cunt who's also a hoe? I put his picture and message on facebook to see if anyone has heard or seen of him before. Of course everyone clams up and says they don't know.

Its possible that they don't know but its equally possible that someone recognized their 'friend' and just let them know I put them on blast. All I know is that I'm tried of being treated like a piece of meat and not getting the respect I deserve as a human being. Perhaps I should just kill myself and be done with it? Then I don't have to deal with ugly messages like this or live in a world that clearly doesn't want me to exist at all?

Hysterical Education

I really started to like a guy that I was talking to and then when he asked what I do for a living he laughed at me. Perhaps my pride is in the way but I wasn't born into a middle class family or into wealth. I grew up in trailer courts, and apartments in low income area's, trying desperately to get by through the free lunch program at school. My mom is the only woman in my family to get a degree of any kind. She completed a certificate program in criminal justice. I'm the only person in my family to get past a quickie college and get a degree at a university. Eventually I'd like to earn my masters degree or my PhD but we'll see how far I can get on student loans.

There is nothing funny about how I've had to struggle for everything I have. After my divorce I have even less. All that I own can fit in a childs suitcase and a fishing tackle box. I have no car, homes, business, or even a place to live. I surf of people's couches and live off food stamps and free healthcare from the state. Proud? Perhaps. I'm just doing the best I can. I really wish people would think about what they say before they say them. I know I'm poor, ugly, white trash but the only thing I have that nobody can take away is my education.

Dating Idiots

A lot of my time in the dating world surrounds having to defend myself, explain myself or excuse myself from a conversation. Its emotionally exhausting. Most recently I had a conversation with a dude who lamented that he was tired of girls judging him based upon his brown skin, and how he couldn't get anyone to take him serious. Then he went onto objectify me with my looks, sexualize me because of my gender and when I pointed it out he peaced out abruptly.

This guy tended to be a lot more polite than most but how do you constantly live in a world where you are a social pariah, not welcome and are just tokenized from general society? I don't know....if I had an answer I wouldn't have this blog. This is my life.....welcome to the road less traveled-

Closeted Narcissist

nar·cis·sist

[ˈnärsəsəst]

NOUN

1. a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves:

   
   

I've had a few days to think about this and I was starting to think that I was a closeted narcissist and didn't realize it. Why did I feel the need to tell my friends to vote democrat so much this fall? Why did it feel so personal? I didn't feel that way with McCain, Romney, or Bush. I've voted independent before with the 2008 election after Clinton lost and voted for Obama's reelection in 2012. However....there is more on the line. We can't go back to a social experiment that we did in 1999/2000 with the Bush/Gore Florida incident.

There is no such thing as throwing away a vote. I've firmly believed that my whole life, unless of course you don't vote at all which is surrender. Then it dawned on me, that I'm not narcissist when it comes to begging and pleading for people to vote for Clinton this fall. Its not all about me. I simply don't have the privilege in this election to vote in any direction. We are at a crossroads for the first time in a long time; where we can let a fascist, narcissist, misogynist, islamophobic, homophobic, transaphobic, bankrupt ceo, game show host have control of the United States of America.  

Never before has a candidate for President had zero experience in the 21st century and made it so far. Never before has someone who has more experience bankrupting corporations than measure of success than Trump. Nobody goes on record as often as Trump through lying about his past, his experience or about politics. Never had a candidate openly been endorsed by the KKK, Russia, and actively solicited our enemies to hack American documents (which is a violation of the Logan Act). Its been since Jackson that a candidate wanted to 'register" and get rid of Americans because their beliefs don't match their own. Jackson was famous for murdering millions of Native Americans and sending them to concentration camps, now known as 'reservations."

He also wants to overturn decades of work for the gay, and lesbian community. Taking us back to the 20th century where only certain folks are allowed to marry. He's also an outspoken opponent of Transgender civil rights and wants to police bathrooms, identity and medical statuses.

In the 2000 election I voted for Gore, 2004 I voted for Kerry, 2008 I voted independent, 2012 I supported Obama, and I'd like to have the ability to say wishy washy things like 'its all politics', and 'nobodys perfect'. But there's more on the line than ever before. We are at nerve center where we decide the future of so many minorities, including women, people of color, LGBT folk, future education standards, mental health, reasonable gun regulation, environmental issues, and the supreme court nominees.

I know how I'll vote this fall because I realize we have a two party system. Is it broken? Sure. Its broken from within, then the best people suited to fix it, leave. Why? Because its easier to build a new building than it is to renovate every room, every floor, change out employee's, and implement new ideas. Its easy to throw your hands up, stomp your feet, throw a fit and go hide in the corner. Instead I implore you to work. I ask that you take the road with more resistance. I beg that you put aside your hurt feelings and help heal the democratic party. We have a flawed system because its flawed people who run it.

At one time we believed in America certain individuals were considered property. We said that interracial relationships were not okay, that women were to remain silent and never vote. We took on child labor laws, because at one time if you were old enough to walk, you were old enough to work. If you were considered Asian you could be sent to a camp to live out your days. If you didn't convert to a chosen religion or set standard you were murdered or sent to a 'reservation." Parents were allowed to institutionalize gay, lesbian, and transgender folks for 'mental illness' because of their deviant 'chosen' lifestyle. We once had a set standard for one race, at a water fountain or bus and a substandard for other races. We proudly burned crosses in yards to intimidate minorities and make them feel inferior. It wasn't too long ago if you fell on the autism spectrum you could be locked up away in an institution for the rest of your life.

I don't remind you of these things because I'm a bleeding heart liberal but because none of these things have changed in the past because people ran off to join other parties. We wouldn't be here today in societies standards if Rosa Parks would have said, 'ehhh let someone else work from within," or if the Loving family would have not contested their right to marry interracially. Or if women wouldn't have stood up, been sent to jail, publically beaten and humiliated to demonstrate the right to vote. I could use dozens of examples over time but the fact remains that everything that is good in America happened because people worked from within the system. A flawed system and said, 'no we can do better.' We can hold people accountable and not act like toddlers.

I have no interest in debating the qualifications for the other people who ran for president because the truth is we only have two candidates. Trump or Clinton. The most qualified person to ever run for president in the 21st century, or someone who has filed for bankruptcy 4 times, married 3 different women, and has no experience. I also have no interest in sabotaging the election process by voting for 3rd party candidates. If they wanted to make a legitimate change within America, they'd join the two major parties and work from within because that's what American's do. We work with each other and not against one another. We don't take the easy road. We take the sustainable, hard fought, long lasting, and effective change that helps as many people as possible.

In 2016 we don't have any room for narcissist voting practices or people who want to go have 'tea'. We either live together, or die alone in the gas chambers. Dark image, but in this election, more than ever before.....its totally plausible.

Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli, and a constant scanning of the environment for threats.

My client has this and it is emotionally exhausting to digest some days. I need days off....I need my own room. I need privacy so that I can regenerate myself and rest without undue influence.

-SVJ

New Doctor

Because I was seeing a new doctor today and there was so many 'getting to know you questions" its hard to tell if I like my new doctor. She seemed very cold, distant and fragile sometimes. Depression/Anxiety she was perfect. Diabetes she did great. Anytime we talked about sexual health, or being Trans she shut down and became very awkward. I've learned over the years that not everyone is good with 'first encounters" and sometimes first impression can be wrong but only time will tell. It wasn't that she mistreated me, don't get me wrong. It was more that she was visibly uncomfortable talking about Truvada, and Trans Healthcare. I don't know if I'm making sense but I needed to get that off my chest.

-SVJ

Singing

The last 6 months I've been going down to the local dive and singing karaoke. Its something that I really missed and was shocked to find myself picking right back up again. I wish I had a bunch of money to afford voice lessons, and musical equipment because I'd love to record a cover CD. Old blues, jazz and R&B standards. Nothing fancy. I know I'm not going to win a grammy, or be the next Whitney Houston but it would be nice to have something recorded and pass down. Perhaps it will lead to more CD's in my private collection or perhaps it would lead to an ongoing gig singing locally. IDK all I know is that I love to sing, i'd do it for free if I had to and its the only thing that makes me feel alive.

-SVJ

RIP Teresa

I recently found an old girlfriend on Facebook and I was excited to be reunited with her friendship again. I was also excited to get in contact with her mother who was a good friend to me when I was younger. She was very impressionable during a few times of need for me. I was sad to learn that she died prematurely.

Teresa was an odd duck to a 15 year old version of myself. She was very open about talking about her life, her past experiences and never treated you like you were 'just 15' years old. I'll miss her very much.

-SVJ

The Rape

January 4th, 2016


The winter outside was frigid and cold. Ice had over taken the roads, and a cool mist of snow had stuck to the ground which is rare for Portland, Oregon. The traffic outside was almost nonexistent which I could normally hear and feel in my trailer. It was my first real winter since being divorced from my ex-husband. My self-esteem was at an all-time low and I needed some male attention to not only satisfy primal needs but when it gets super cold outside I like to cuddle and be held. I went to craigslist to find some 'no strings attached” (NSA) attention. I put up an ad and within minutes I had several hundred replies. I started zooming through pictures, and deleted my ad to stop new replies. I interviewed a few guys and within a few hours I picked someone who seemed rational, normal and sexy.

He had a washboard stomach, not perfect but more like a swimmers body, blond hair and very little body fur. This masculine tool was a little over average, cut and do I dare say, delicious? After months of reflection I can objectively assess what did happen and be honest about what I got myself into. He had a few drinks, and I stayed sober out of habit just in case things went south. I put my dogs in the living room and we headed to my bedroom. It wasn't long before I realized he was not a good choice. His personality flipped in a matter of seconds since removing his clothes. He was aggressive, angry, and bossy. I’m used to a little bit of rough foreplay and even welcome it upon occasion. We had discussed this prior to starting the evening. I told him that first encounters tend to be pretty vanilla until I've built up some trust and can allow myself to be more submissive in nature. I find that I’m pretty egalitarian in bed but I do like to be more submissive than being the aggressor.
He was being 3rd, 4th date aggressive and I didn't know how to handle it. I tried to fight back but the more I fought the angrier he became. He choked me unconscious, and within seconds everything went black. I awoke a few minutes later to him inside of me grunting and slapping me. I had a rope around my neck and he alternated between slapping and punching me. Every time I caught my breath he'd take it away again. I know I passed out more than a few times but I lost count how many. I don't want to give the act too much attention and so I will end my description there. He left, with a warning not to ever say anything. Otherwise he'd be back to get my fagotty ass, and teach me a lesson. I tried to talk back but found that my voice was completely gone. He picked up one of my dogs and motioned that he'd break her neck. I begged, mumbled, cried and he eventually let her go. He slammed the door behind him and I never saw him again.

Questions I've asked myself over the past few months is what will I write about? What will I add to the American culture of rape towards transgender people? Will I hurt more than I expect to educate? Will I be able to withstand the ignorant replies like: did you report it? What did you expect of craigslist? Why do you do this to yourself? What were you wearing? You got what you deserved!? …..my hands shake upon the idea of a 'friend” or foe even mumbling those things under their breath, let alone thinking them privately and sulking while they silently judge me. A good essay not only tells a story but answers objections, and raises new questions. Then it dawned on me that this is no ordinary essay. I’m just telling my story and I have nobody to answer to but myself and whatever I consider to be my higher power. This isn't to be printed in literary journals, or be used for educational purposes.

I’m a writer, and by default I crave to constantly tell my story, what I go through and to show a fraction of what it is like to be a transgender person in the 21st century. For the next few days I called in sick to work via text message because I had no voice. I learned that I had an unbelievably painful rib cage, a sore throat and I was bleeding out of my other end. I eventually went to the doctor and found that I had broken ribs, and had gonorrhea of the throat. And so began courses of antibiotics after antibiotics combined with weeks that I called in sick to work. I'd go in for a day or two and the pain became so unbelievably agonizing that I almost passed out. My cover story was that I fell on the ice, and had strep throat. I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with the reality of my circumstances. Let alone answer millions of unwarranted questions that would no doubt shrink me, myself esteem and diminish me to the point I no longer wanted to exist.

I feel little to no guilt for lying about my circumstances that happened in January because truth be known I wouldn't have been able to defend myself, and go through what I was going through. Soon I headed home to live with my parents. I couldn't live in my home anymore. The idea of going back to that room where things had happened made me sick to my stomach. I slept in a lazy boy chair for weeks and would spend most of my time with my parents. Never at any time telling anyone the truth. I didn't even tell my best friend until April when I could barely get the words out. It was comforting to hear her daughter say that she never believed my 'cover story' because it didn't add up. She too was a survivor of rape and said, she could recognize the signs/symptoms of what I was going through.
I lost my job, my house, and a few friends along the way but most of all I lost a part of me that was carefree about sharing my body. Now even the idea of having sex with a stranger frightens me beyond belief. I have to be drunk to even ponder the idea. It took me a half a year to tell you part of my story, a fraction of the lies, and let you into my truth. Some of you will betray that and leave negative or judgmental comments. Others will say them in private messages or think them in the simple protections of your home behind a keyboard. I’m prepared to be judged. My self-esteem has grown immensely since the experience and so has my confidence. I don't know why it took such a horrific experience to bring out my inner warrior but here we are. Never the same again.
I hope to find a job soon, or return to school. A choice that I will make in the coming few days. I would apologize for lying the last 6 months but that would be a fake apology. I needed to protect myself and I’m not sorry. I will faithfully always remain, your friend despite what you choose to do with the truth, now that it is known.



-Savannah Veronica Jackson