Not Today

Everyday I sense a little more progress but there are moments where I just want to throw myself in front of a train, or hang myself off the porch. The only thing that stops me sometimes is my lil doggies, and that this is a neighborhood filled with lots of children. I would never want a child to see me hanging my a cord off the porch.

Lately I've been hanging out an awful lot with my mother and that has kept me very secure and safe. She doesn't know about how deep my pain runs but I try to protect her by not telling her. Today we had dual appointments at the same time. Then we had lunch and dinner together. It was a lovely day for the most part.

The husband is absolutely clueless most of the time and I think I prefer it that way. Otherwise he'd be taking my emotional temperature every few hours which is annoying itself. I don't need someone asking how I am doing every few hours-

Tomorrow I teach a class about gender diversity and Im super excited about it. When I am living my purpose in life I feel free, and that everything aligns. Im going to go to bed early to take care of myself.

Im not giving up today-
SVJ

RIP Maya Angelou

The first time I saw Dr. Maya Angelou was on the Oprah show, and yes I know that sounds shallow but its true. She had a magnetism that just did not allow me to turn the channel. I wanted to drink in every moment, every breath and I sat on the couch holding my knees upward towards my chest as I leaned in to catch every word she said. For the first time in many years someone was speaking my language.

She felt many of the things I had felt. She had lived many of the things I had lived and much more. I felt that she was a mother to me in some regards because everything about her was comforting. I began to buy up all the books I could find that she wrote, every greeting card she designed and I subscribed to the Oprah magazine to read her monthly articles.

One month they had printed business card sized quotes and I glued them all over my room to inspire me to live a better life. My favorite quote of hers was, "I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it." That one quote has gone on to define many of the life changes, and ideology I have taken on as an adult.

A bright light has gone out today but her legacy will live on forever in my heart-

SVJ

Rest In Peace Prince Ricky (Hansen)

Prince Ricky and I first met and worked together on Ciara Dela Rosa's (1st) campaign to become Empress. He was warm, charming, helpful and very kind. In his spare time he liked to take photographs and the above one is one of his works.

What I adored about Ricky is that he was always reachable. He was not a phone call dodger, and he was very passionate about what he loved and liked in life. I enjoyed his enthusiasm for charity work and wanting to make a difference in this world.

Caregivers come in all shapes and sizes and for me Ricky will always be a caregiver. For many years he took care of many of us and helped us in different ways. He will be sorely missed.

-SVJ

Stigma?

Media and researchers explain that mental illness is isolating but what they don't ever talk about is how unifying it can be to open up to others with mental illness. Tonight I posted on my FB wall that I was starting to feel that nothing I do is ever good enough and that I don't feel appreciated for my contributions. I then opened it up to ask if other people feel the same way occasionally.

What I was surprised to find is that many of my friends felt the same way and we all contributed to the conversation a little something that helped one another. I think what does make mental illness isolating is that we choose not to talk to one another about the disease.  Sometimes we lie and pretend to not even understand it.

And yet almost every person in this world will experience heart ache, disappointment, the loss of a loved one, regret, and feel lost. Is this not part of depression? It may not be clinical but the ability to have empathy for your fellow human is not too much to ask. We have to start breaking down these walls we created that no longer suit us, or society at large.

The change begins with you, and me. Hopefully someday our childrens, children will no longer associate stigma to mental illness.

-SVJ

Rest In Peace Timothy Poe

It seems lately all my friends keep dying and I can't seem to keep up with the many obituaries and funerals to go to. Timothy was a friend on mine through the International Court System and we actually went to the same elementary school, junior high and high school. He moved to Tacoma and I moved to Portland.

We didn't get to see each other that often because he didn't travel much but he will be remembered fondly and forever in my heart-

SVJ

Beauty?

One of my best friends told me once while we were at a bar that he thought I was the most beautiful drag queen ever. I told him not to say that unless he meant it and he said it again. It made me cry like a river for a few minutes. Nobody had ever told me that I looked pretty in drag before. People had said, gosh you look good tonight; wow, I love your dress; or you were sure funny on the microphone tonight.

One of my best friends told me on my birthday and take it if you will because it was my birthday that she thought I was the prettiest queen she had ever seen in the city we were in at the time. She went onto say, 'just as pretty as the ones I see on tv even.' It made me smile from within and made me wonder why my brain just won't work right.

For weeks now, I've been extremely depressed and every night I have to convince myself to not hang myself, cut my wrists or overdose on a lot of pills. For some reason my mind wants me to self terminate currently and I have more fight in me. I want to go on. I want to do more things. I think though that between all of the madness that is going on that I am just overwhelmed.

Im homeless, Im loosing my car, I didn't get funded for the summer term, and for whatever reason people keep fricking dying on me. Three deaths this month. Matthew, Pookie, today my friend Timothy Poe. Pookies memorial was today and I just didn't have the emotional aptitude to go. I had two ride offers but just couldn't get it together.

Im safe tonight but I hope to be safe tomorrow -
SVJ

Birthday Bash

I had a delightful weekend celebrating my birthday and seeing my best friend Janine from Seattle. She lights up my life and my mother was in tow as well. We tore up the town, as much as any adult women can. It was a lot of fun this year because I turned my birthday into a fundraiser.

Janine and I went out to breakfast the following morning and then I went to bed most of the day. I spent a little bit of time with my uncles and their dogs as well. I got a new blouse from Janine, a gift certificate to Ivy Nails from mom, a glass and tea infuser from Gary (my uncle) and about a dozen cards. I love cards, and keep them throughout my life. Whenever I get depressed I read them and they cheer me up.

My depression is getting slightly better but Im a lot more tired. Thats okay because that will wear off eventually. I wrote all my documents this evening for the Sweethearts and tomorrow I need to do my homework and the ISCWE minutes if I have time. Alex said he would take me out to Thai Food this weekend for my birthday and I hope he does. I've had a hankering for it for a few weeks now.

I don't feel like killing myself today but I certainly don't feel like I matter to anyone. I do feel 'needed' sometimes because I help others....but most days its all I can do not to hang myself from the balcony.

-SVJ

Partially Renewed

Today I went to a meeting with my brother and he is going to be applying for a new job soon. Somewhere in the meeting I had a coming to Jesus moment and remembered that Im supposed to be on this planet longer. I also talked to a career counselor at school about the direction of my education, jobs, and graduation and for the first time in many weeks I felt hopeful.

I am going through so much stuff right now between finals, apt hunting, car problems, depression, my husbands attitude problem and money worries I forgot what hope was. I went up in my dosage of antidepressants last night and Im sure its all in my head (pun intended) but I do feel a little better today. Or perhaps I just got some good rest and had a good day?

Who knows? Only God/Goddess knows if such a thing exists? A few days ago I wanted to hang myself in the closet and today it feels like a less important thing to do. Perhaps I still have work to do, even if Im never appreciated for my contributions.

-SVJ

Sustained

Sometimes when suffering with mental illness the best we can hope for is making it through the night and last night was one of those nights. It was very dark, and I felt like killing myself a lot. My life right now makes me ponder my existence and if I am making a difference. So much around me is going wrong and I feel (other than my therapist) there is nobody to talk to that isn't going to ascribe a stigma, judgement or give me a load of bull shit like "think happy thoughts."

Today I am sustained. Journaling is helping, and so is keeping busy. I had an appointment with a RNP that has been assigned to help me with my mental health meds. She was a gem in my day.

I wish there was a drop in center for the mentally ill. Not a place where you get hospitalized or even a place ran by MD's or RN's but a place where you could be surrounded by fellow 'nuts' who are suffering to get by as well. We had one in Montana but unfortunately I don't live there anymore so that resource isn't available to me.

I suppose I will sit here sustained until my medication gets better or I hang myself from the balcony. Whichever comes first I guess-

Life Kills

Nobody tells you when you are growing up that being an adult is a big fat lie. It does not get better, the world is not a beautiful place to live and every day is an uphill battle. Nobody makes it out alive and when you aren't dodging negativity you are completely overwhelmed with everyday crap that happens. You can't get up early enough. You can't score high enough. You can't drive fast enough. You can't give enough. You can't do enough and everything you build will be eventually broken. In addition to our struggles, trials and tribulations we live life in a vacuum; slowly everything we care about and love dies. It deteriorates and crumbles all around you like the sands of time in an hour glass.

Perhaps its just a bad month. Perhaps Im having a low moment. Perhaps Im not seeing things clearly. Or perhaps Im having a momentary lapse of reality where I actually see things for what they really are and that I ordinarily deny their existence all together. Everyday I struggle to give back to my community even though I am essentially homeless, jobless, a student, alienated by my own community but I also have a sense of anomie when it comes to not belonging to both the transgendered community and the gay community.

Today I should be happy that Oregon won marriage equality but I can't help but think of all my burdens and problems I have right now. The friend who commited suicide a few weeks ago, another friend who died of a heart attack and two other friends earlier this week who had strokes. I also have been pondering after 17 years of charity fundraising; where has it got me? Who cares? Most of the time I don't even get a mumbled "thank you" whispered under neath someone's breath. I can go YEARS without a thank you and yet every day I struggle to put a smile on my face and pretend that being an adult, growing up and feeding into the lie that 'it gets better.'

I don't feel better. My circumstances aren't better. I don't need a world flowing with milk and honey but I'd sure like to be able to make a living, have a sense of belonging in my community and feel like I contribute something. And yet most of the time I feel like I don't. Sometimes I feel like I volunteer, and do so much for other people that it just gets taken for granted.

Perhaps I need a break or perhaps I need a new life. I wonder if reincarnation really exists? I don't want to find out anytime soon but Im sure getting tired of my life. Everyday its a struggle to be seen, loved, and appreciated, especially with the amount of effort I put out.

-SVJ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NUQJvfDXrM

Rest In Peace Pookie J Bush

I’ve been desperately trying to find an old photo of Pookie and I together at Peacock in the Park in 2003 that we had together but cannot find it. Oh well, I'm sure I’ll run across it just when I need to see it but for the meantime I wanted to share a story about the great humanitarian Pookie was from my life. I moved to Oregon in 1999 permanently but for a few years I would go back and forth from Billings, Montana to Portland until I had stable housing secured in Portland. It would be a few years until I finally made the leap from the underage nightclub to the Embers as a performer and I started on Ciara and Raven’s shows Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Finally after having a few years off from running for titles and pageants Ciara and Pookie convinced me to run for Debutante when Goddess and Corey Jean Foxx stepped down. They explained that it was the ISRC’s beginner’s title and a great introduction to how the Portland, Oregon court works. Sounded good to me but I was still getting on my feet and didn’t have Oregon identification yet. My identification was still with a Montana marker.

I explained this to Pookie and he instantly pulled out the money for me to get my identification, take a cab to the DMV and paid my way into the pageant that night. This was of course back when you could get an ID instantly when you paid for it and there were fewer restrictions on how to achieve one. Further, my gender marker on my ID in Montana was never changed over even though my judge’s degree explicitly said it was. The DMV in Montana absolutely refused to change it, declaring that they had the right to deny it on religious grounds. I never fought it because it was hard enough to get my name changed and nobody ever believed that I was a man at one time anyways. Most people just pointed out there was a misprint on my ID and I joked about it. Besides the only people that really had the power and influence to fight those sorts of things had money and privilege that I did not possess at the time.

Anyhow when I got my ID at the DMV in Portland the clerk asked me if I wanted to change my marker and of course I jumped at the opportunity and said, “YES PLEASE”. She didn’t even ask for my judges decree. Pookie was not only instrumental in getting me back involved with the court system, but he was a pivotal change in my totally life as a transgendered woman. Up until that moment in time I had never been a full ‘human being’ because my ID was incorrect. I never forgot that he helped me and within a few weeks I paid him back when I got a new job. At the pageant I lost to the beautiful and talented Miss Lotta Marie Liquor that evening but the experience put me back on the journey towards charity work in Oregon. I went onto win Ms. Gay Pride, Ms. Gay Portland, Ms. Gay Oregon, Woman of the Year, Entertainer of the Year and Star Empress 37 ½ of Salem. Adding to my two other titles, Ms. BSGRA and Miss LAMBDA from Montana.

Sometimes we meet special people that remind us who we really are, and where we should be in life. That person for me will always be Pookie J. Bush. I like many of you will miss him, mourn him and love him for all eternity. Wherever you are Pookie thank you for loving me unconditionally, being my friend and helping me in my journey through life. You will be missed-

love,
SVJ