Nobody tells you when you are growing up that being an adult is a big fat lie. It does not get better, the world is not a beautiful place to live and every day is an uphill battle. Nobody makes it out alive and when you aren't dodging negativity you are completely overwhelmed with everyday crap that happens. You can't get up early enough. You can't score high enough. You can't drive fast enough. You can't give enough. You can't do enough and everything you build will be eventually broken. In addition to our struggles, trials and tribulations we live life in a vacuum; slowly everything we care about and love dies. It deteriorates and crumbles all around you like the sands of time in an hour glass.
Perhaps its just a bad month. Perhaps Im having a low moment. Perhaps Im not seeing things clearly. Or perhaps Im having a momentary lapse of reality where I actually see things for what they really are and that I ordinarily deny their existence all together. Everyday I struggle to give back to my community even though I am essentially homeless, jobless, a student, alienated by my own community but I also have a sense of anomie when it comes to not belonging to both the transgendered community and the gay community.
Today I should be happy that Oregon won marriage equality but I can't help but think of all my burdens and problems I have right now. The friend who commited suicide a few weeks ago, another friend who died of a heart attack and two other friends earlier this week who had strokes. I also have been pondering after 17 years of charity fundraising; where has it got me? Who cares? Most of the time I don't even get a mumbled "thank you" whispered under neath someone's breath. I can go YEARS without a thank you and yet every day I struggle to put a smile on my face and pretend that being an adult, growing up and feeding into the lie that 'it gets better.'
I don't feel better. My circumstances aren't better. I don't need a world flowing with milk and honey but I'd sure like to be able to make a living, have a sense of belonging in my community and feel like I contribute something. And yet most of the time I feel like I don't. Sometimes I feel like I volunteer, and do so much for other people that it just gets taken for granted.
Perhaps I need a break or perhaps I need a new life. I wonder if reincarnation really exists? I don't want to find out anytime soon but Im sure getting tired of my life. Everyday its a struggle to be seen, loved, and appreciated, especially with the amount of effort I put out.
-SVJ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NUQJvfDXrM
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