Beauty?

One of my best friends told me once while we were at a bar that he thought I was the most beautiful drag queen ever. I told him not to say that unless he meant it and he said it again. It made me cry like a river for a few minutes. Nobody had ever told me that I looked pretty in drag before. People had said, gosh you look good tonight; wow, I love your dress; or you were sure funny on the microphone tonight.

One of my best friends told me on my birthday and take it if you will because it was my birthday that she thought I was the prettiest queen she had ever seen in the city we were in at the time. She went onto say, 'just as pretty as the ones I see on tv even.' It made me smile from within and made me wonder why my brain just won't work right.

For weeks now, I've been extremely depressed and every night I have to convince myself to not hang myself, cut my wrists or overdose on a lot of pills. For some reason my mind wants me to self terminate currently and I have more fight in me. I want to go on. I want to do more things. I think though that between all of the madness that is going on that I am just overwhelmed.

Im homeless, Im loosing my car, I didn't get funded for the summer term, and for whatever reason people keep fricking dying on me. Three deaths this month. Matthew, Pookie, today my friend Timothy Poe. Pookies memorial was today and I just didn't have the emotional aptitude to go. I had two ride offers but just couldn't get it together.

Im safe tonight but I hope to be safe tomorrow -
SVJ