Developmentally Disabled

So I had a never-ending doctors visit this morning where I saw three providers back to back and towards the end I saw my therapist. He needed to sign off some paperwork to help me get into HUD. On the paper it confirms that I have disabilities but at the bottom it asks if the patient is developmentally disabled and I was sweating that last question really hard. Am I, I thought? Thankfully he said no and resolved to point out without my questioning that he had never seen me act, behave or display DD issues. He did however sign off on the other disabilities, like physical limitations and mental illness.

I was super relieved and thankful to get all the paperwork done. In addition I saw my PSY therapist and she Rx a new antidepressant Pristiq. A reinvention of Effexor, a SNRI I've been on before but with a different chemical composition. Hopefully this one will work. Im sure its all in my head (pun intended) but I did feel a surge of something later in the evening and then after dinner I stuffed myself a little too much and took a nap.

I didn't have one negative thought today when it came to mental illness. THAT is a huge improvement for the last two months. This evening I started working on my autobiography, studied a little online answered some emails and then of course...this blog.

I'll write about my volunteer work hickup later but for now I'll just say that Im dealing with some interesting characters in my life. Can't we just hose down negative/nasty people with water and call it a day? Joking of course. However I do get tired of people creating drama that isn't there.

Riding a wave of positivity,
SVJ

Spicy Life and Dinner

So lately I've taken a break from facebook and its been VERY cleansing. I know some of my posts on here are kinda dark because I give myself permission to share my deepest and darkest thoughts but on facebook I tend to get more annoyed with people. Most of the time I find my self arguing with people in my head and wondering why I am friends with junkies, alcoholics, narcissist, and bigots. That being said.... I have some wonderful peers, allies, friends, inspirational people and professors online as well.

What I hope to have the strength to do someday is delete all the garbage personalities online and just stick with the real friends. Or perhaps I will have two facebooks? Anyways, over dinner we talked a lot about friends, their impact and family. Tonight I made chicken pot pie with a nice spicy twist. Everyone loved it and it completely sold out. I was quite proud of myself.

I love to cook and it was a nice dish. I decided to do it in a casserole format but it turned out great. I over shot my aim on how much I needed to make but it turned out good anyways. Plus there was no left overs!

It got me to thinking that my life is pretty spice right now and so was dinner. I hope I can carpe deim my life and take it back by the reigns. If Im wondering who my friends are, they probably aren't my friends-

Reflective and insightful,
SVJ

Job Hunting

Its always hard to find a job, keep a job and above all else, find a job that you like. Sometimes the hunt is truly amusing. Today I was skimming some jobs and they listed some of there requirements: Bachelors degree, Ability to multitask, develop and incorporate new ideas, research, marketing, helping patients etc etc etc.... but the kicker? Min wage. Seriously? You want me to have 80,000 worth of education but you want to pay me 9 dollars an hour? Are you f*cking nuts?

I think some of employers are high on crack cocaine. Seriously. How can you expect me to live, drive, and payback my education at that rate? I can't imagine what things will be like when Im done with this degree.....lawrd Jesus help me out!

Mom and I had a wonderful dinner of augratin potatoes, smoked sausages and steamed broccoli. We played video games for a little while and then I went home. Tomorrow Im cooking chicken pot pie casserole. Im excited at the idea. I can't wait. Today I endured. I kept my head up but I also had in the back of my head that my follow up visit is on Friday.

Holding my breath,
SVJ

Mom's Mojo

So lately my mom and I have been hanging out a lot because I need to feel safe and we're all on a budget anyways on top of being homeless.....so I digress. Last night my mom told me that I as the most beautiful person (inside and out) that she has ever had the privilege of knowing and while I wanted to be emotionally vulnerable to truly 'hear that message' as she was crying I just couldn't.

I instantly shut down and became analytical about the whole thing. I instantly thought to myself... doesn't every parent feel this way? Whats so special about me? Why is she crying? Why is it an emotional experience for her to tell me how she feels. And then I really got to thinking that I chase after all the people who want to have nothing to do with me for validation and then (potentially) ignore the ones that I should be paying attention to. I became depressed and started to feel guilty.

I thought to myself, If I had just received an award for my charitable works I'd be high as a kite for weeks (metaphorically speaking). But most people seek out validation from their parents their whole life and here I am thinking: Oh, okay sure. What in the hell is wrong with me?

Of course its the mental illness talking but OMG sometimes Im seriously f*cked up and have no idea how deep the rabbit trail goes. I called into work last night as well because my stomach was upset. Im just not doing well all around. I cannot wait til Friday when I have my therapy/MD/psychologist appt.

Waiting to exhale,
SVJ

Deadly Depression

The last time I had a nervous breakdown I had to go to the hospital for about two weeks in Eugene, Oregon about 4 years ago or so, and on the inside my doctor said something to me that hit me really hard. 25% of mentally ill people die from their disease. That translates to 1 in 4.

Wow. I thought. Wow, that high? Everyday is a struggle though. Everyday i think about checking out and everyday I dream of not being in pain, not being depressed and not having to struggle every SINGLE WAKING MOMENT.

Even my readers online are tired of me. You can only read so much of this crap and then want to check out yourself. After all, what do you say to someone that is suffering? How do you comfort someone who doesn't have the right medication cocktail? Thankfully I have another apt with my doctor on Friday but it can't come soon enough-

-SVJ

Fathers Day

Its no secret that my real father died in 1980, not long after I was born he committed suicide. My mom remarried a few times over the last 30+ years and finally settled down with a very nice gentleman named Warren. Today Alex and I spent the day gathering things up to make his day special (see previous blog).

He had moped around the house until we showed up at 5. Apparently he said to mom around 3:30 that, "did you know it was fathers day?" And she went along with it and said no. The food was absolutely exceptional....amazing!! Mom makes a fabulous cheeseburger, I cut up the veggies and cooked the french fries. She did most of the work and we gave Warren some gifts.

We really had a blast hanging out with them and watching the movie American Hustle. It was really good. Lots of good acting and a great story line. Alex and I retired after the movie was over and went home to argue about our living situation. We (mostly me) have decided that it would be better to buy a home this time and be done with this whole apt living bs.

Hanging by a thread,
SVJ

Do For Others

Doing for others has always been a bit of an addiction for me. Tonight Alex (my husband) and I spent the evening traveling around to different grocery stores so that we could get good deals on what we wanted to make my "step" father for dinner. Now I put step in quotes because really Warren (thats his name) has done more for me than any other person that my mother has been married to.

Mom (Kathy) figured out what he wanted for dinner and he asked for bacon cheeseburgers and jo-jo's. He doesn't know that we were eavesdropping to figure out the menu he wanted and we're having a surprise party tomorrow night. Alex got him a $25 gift card to the movies, a nice card and now we're going to be cooking for a while.

Totally on the menu is:

• Bacon Cheeseburgers
• Jo-Jo's
• Bud Light (Dads favorite but he rarely gets to drink b/c he's always working)
• Pepsi
• Recese Peanut Butter Cupcakes (Homemade) 

And really Im excited about the menu as well. I've been craving a GOOD burger for a few weeks now. So .....today was a good day. Doing for other people always cheers me up.

Smiling,
SVJ

In a Cave?

I read a facebook meme this week that said, "if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, turn around because you are in a cave." I know it was silly but it brightened my day and helped me charge on through out the day. Today I got a little bit of good news. The new (potential) owner of the apt complex called me to let me know that he has put out a list of demands with the old owner to buy the place. If he agree's to make those repairs he'll take over and buy the property.

If that happens we get to stay so cross your fingers and toes. Hopefully this whole homeless experience will just be a momentary "cave" we went through one summer. My friend Sarah (hi if you're still reading I know my blogs can be dark) commented on my blog twice and it really made me feel like I was worthy and capable. Im not sure how or why but Im not going to over analyze any positive emotion I get.

I also got to talk to two friends on the phone today and both of them listened to me even though it wasn't about my depression it filled me with hope that this will all be over soon (in  a positive direction).

I hope this is a cave,
SVJ

Protection?

I think one of the most challenging things about being mentally ill is trying to find a balance between protecting your friends, family and loved ones from your illness when you are in crisis and trying to also reach out and be taken seriously. I struggle with this every day.

Sometimes its everything I can do not to let someone know that I am hurting when they are already going through so much in their own life. Who am I to intrude my issues onto them? Who am I to impose onto them what I am feeling to make myself feel better?

Its kind of egotistical and narcissist to think that everything evolves around you and that people should drop everything to talk to you. So I suffer in silence and hope to get through the day white knuckling every part of the day.

Protection or self sabatoge?
SVJ

Coworker Pains

So... I may not get paid for the work I do but I do work two part time jobs in the non profit industry. One of them is super serious and stressful all the time because the membership is consistently (but not all) two face, disingenuous, and fake.  They tend to thrive on negativity and consistently cause drama to the point of raising my blood pressure. Anyhoo.... one of their old members is now on my new board of directors.

Oooh lawrdy.

Its like Im on the same board twice a month now. This person is very toxic, negative and always has a piss poor attitude about everything. I realize how judgmental that comes off because this whole blog has a dark under tone to it most of the time. However when I go to work I am very professional. I put all my crap on the back burner, get ready to work, and we all get sh*t done.

I don't take my personal drama to work essentially. This person does, and to top it all off they always think everyone is out to get them. My grandmother once said they should just put lithium in the water and those that don't need it will urinate it out, and the ones that do need it will get well.....of course she was kidding but some days I wish they would-

Coworker drives me even more nuts-
SVJ

Running in Circles

Seriously having a tough time. I think my antidepressants aren't working and crap keeps piling up in my life. My 2nd therapist the other day said to me (as if I didn't already know) that: crap is still crap even if you are on an antidepressant. I felt like saying, "No shit sherlock" but I didn't want to get 'tresspassed" at the clinic and she gives me my medication. Never piss of a judge, a wife, your bartender or doctor, I always say.

I tried reaching out to two of my best friends today because I really needed to go to the doctor to be evaluated. Im really starting to wonder what this whole living thing is about because I don't see any use to it any more. I don't make a difference, I can never seem to get things right and Im not getting any happiness from life anymore.

Why keep going?
SVJ

Lately

Im sure you're tired of reading that life sucks right now.....but life sucks right now. Alex just reported to me that the apt we applied for was not approved and so far we can't get in touch with the new owners of the apt complex so that we can ask if we can stay. I should be spending my time putting things into boxes but I just can't bring my heart to do it-

This is not what I expected my late 30's to be like. I wanted to go into my 40's with a better understanding about life and a more stable situation. Instead here I am in the same position I found myself in my late teens and early 20's.....almost homeless.

If you think it happen to you, it totally can. This world is ran by the rich, religious and self righteous. Lord help me its raining stupidity-

-SVJ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF0j0WuOhDM&list=RDiF0j0WuOhDM

The Ultimate Selfish Act

Some people say suicide is the ultimate selfish act and go onto say that they don't 'understand it." I would challenge people to honestly look within and throughout society and ask themselves what is so freaking fabulous and wonderful about being alive? I would also respond and ask what is so entertaining about staying alive?

I have struggled my whole life and then combined with this is my social status, wealth problems, personal struggle, medical issues and the cultural identity society ascribes to me. If everything is uphill, all the time, and you live with chronic pain, what is so fabulous about continuing on?

Ugh.... its probably the depression talking. Fuck my life, and fuck my thoughts.

Trying to survive another day,
SVJ

Never Good Enough?

So sick and tired of never being good enough. This evening I showed up early for my job by 15 minutes and was told that they were getting worried about me and were about to call. Seriously? Can I never do anything right? Sometimes volunteering in the non profit world is a thankless job and sometimes its a knock down-kick-your-teeth-out experience. Occasionally I wonder why I do it at all.

It was a good learning experience though. It made me realize how hard it can be for the treasurer and that I was on the right track by resurrecting my old Facebook page that is private. Life is too short for fake butter, fake people and fake love.

Ironically someone reached out to me this evening asking me why I was a little down and I explained my homeless, 'its finals' and a lot of stress....issues and then they just clammed up. Why ask someone a bunch of nosy questions and then not follow up with a response? Ugh.

Today was a wreck but it's done now. I need to go to bed before I do something stupid-

Not safe,
SVJ

Never Say Never

My mom and I were watching An American Tail again for the first time in almost 25 years. Its still a really good cartoon but I reimagined it as an adult and saw/heard so many things I never noticed as a child. I love re-watching things as an adult sometimes because the subtleties you pick up on are amazing occasionally.

Anyhow when I was in my 20's I swore I would never be homeless again and yet here I am again back in this predicament. Many people judge homeless so harshly because they are seen as lazy or drug addicts. Ugh.... I've railed against this for years but most of the time it just comes down to a series of events.

For us it was an argument with the management company and poof! just like that they asked us to leave over a minor misunderstanding between Alex and them. Anyways, never say never.....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOFvkbp2bGg

I'll Miss You

Its potentially been years since I heard this phrase out of someone's mouth but that in and of itself could be the depression talking. Today in my sign language class one of my peers mentioned that she will 'miss me' even though I was just using the rest room. I was touched by that small act of kindness.

Im always telling people that I love and miss them and then later hope that they HEARD me when I said it. Its tough to HEAR people when you are suffering from mental illness because those broken brain cells just don't allow you to absorb that kindness. You also don't hear the birds sing, or observe children laughing.

Your world is all dark, full of solitude and everything goes by in slow motion but everyone you watch is keeping pace with the rest of the world; completely oblivious to the suffering going around them because they have never been touched by mental illness. Or potentially they have forgotten?

I don't claim to have answers but today I will remember that someone said they will miss me.

Kindness Absorbed,
SVJ

Self Protection

I've been spending a lot of time at my Mom's house lately because I need to protect myself from all my stinking thinking. Sometimes its a real struggle to get out of bed, make it to my commitments, but I safe the last part of my day to be with my mother because she centers me. She needs me and its always relevant that she cannot live without me.

Which is a huge switch from when I was younger but we've moved past that now as adults. Sometimes I wish that life would have put us with each other sooner but there is nothing I can really do about that now. However, that said Im not sure I've ever let my mom know how much I need her, and count on her to be directly in my life.

Its the little things she does in life that brightens up my day and makes it easier to live. So today I will reflect on the powerful influence that my mother is and remind myself to keep trucking along because of her bright light.

In protection,
SVJ

Staying Afloat?

What does it mean to struggle your whole life to try to stay vibrant, happy and satisfied. Why do some have an easier time with accepting life as it comes at them or that depression/anxiety never touches them. They seem to whisk through life without a care in the world or untouched by the dirty truths about life.

I've been struggling with depression, and anxiety my whole life. It seems that I can never keep my head a float for too long. I think what builds into this is that I surround myself with people that do not appreciate my value. I am consistently taken advantage of and my work is rarely acknowledged.

For instance I've been volunteering for non profit organizations for almost 20 years and I have no where near the same status and admiration as people who have been volunteering less. Should I give up? Should I try to move onto other organizations who appreciate my value?

I know this blog is frequently dark and gloomy but its one of my rare outlets to be honest about life. Sometimes it may seem like Im being trivial, or pessimistic but others Im actually being inquisitive about why life suck and we all pretend it doesn't. Why do you think we all pretend life is glamorous, fun and easy? Would we all throw each other under a bus if we said the truth aloud?

Pondering thoughts,
SVJ

Invisible

In addition to all the other stuff mentally ill people have to deal with I think the most troubling for me is that it makes you invisible. The stigma is there, don't get me wrong but its the idea that you don't exist while you're suffering that is the worst valley to walk. When you are in crisis, or suffering nobody wants to be your friend.

Suddenly you have turned into Debby Downer and nobody wants to be around you because you bring down their upbeat, positive outlook on life. It seems as if you fade away into the background and everybody does everything to not make eye contact. Its too intimate to them because then they would have to face that someone is suffering.

Its got to be frustrating as well for them because its not something that they can fight, or rally against. Its a struggle thats going on in someone else's brain. A fight that only that person and some well trained medical professionals (hopefully) will help battle. Unfortunately our friends and family are left feeling helpless as well because there isn't much they can do or say.

I would add though that its comforting to have people say that they see you struggling, however ugly that may be at the time. Its helpful to me to also have people make eye contact, hug me and tell me that this darkness is going to pass. Its supremely helpful to get phone calls, letters and cards telling me that I matter but its not something we do in this culture.

Hallmark doesn't have a get well soon for your mental illness card section. Its all for people with a case of the sniffles and everybody essentially knows that its going to pass. What they don't know is when it is going to pass and depression or mental illness is the same way.

Today I feel invisible,
SVJ

The Beast

Today was a magical day. I woke up early and headed to Chemeketa Community College where I gave my presentation on Gender Diversity and then I hung out with my mom and dad all evening. We had tacos, watched movies, played video games and believe it or not I got a lot of homework done too.

At one point Alex came over and had dinner with us, then proceed to play video games with us. It was the first time in a long time that I really felt like I belonged to a family. A unit that helps one another, shares in each others experiences and lifts each other up. Its like my depression, anxiety, ptsd, and restlessness took a nap today or rested in a slumber.

For the first time in weeks I didn't live inside my head but rather lived in the moment and I was present. Of course my problems were still there, like being homeless, not being funded for summer term, and my car going tits up but there were a few hours there that the beast, just went to sleep and allowed me to have a good time.

In fact up until this blog I didn't think about committing suicide at all. I hope I have more positive days coming up because I could sure use them with the move, finals at school and trying to stay afloat during the summer.

Here's to hoping-
SVJ