So lately my mom and I have been hanging out a lot because I need to feel safe and we're all on a budget anyways on top of being homeless.....so I digress. Last night my mom told me that I as the most beautiful person (inside and out) that she has ever had the privilege of knowing and while I wanted to be emotionally vulnerable to truly 'hear that message' as she was crying I just couldn't.
I instantly shut down and became analytical about the whole thing. I instantly thought to myself... doesn't every parent feel this way? Whats so special about me? Why is she crying? Why is it an emotional experience for her to tell me how she feels. And then I really got to thinking that I chase after all the people who want to have nothing to do with me for validation and then (potentially) ignore the ones that I should be paying attention to. I became depressed and started to feel guilty.
I thought to myself, If I had just received an award for my charitable works I'd be high as a kite for weeks (metaphorically speaking). But most people seek out validation from their parents their whole life and here I am thinking: Oh, okay sure. What in the hell is wrong with me?
Of course its the mental illness talking but OMG sometimes Im seriously f*cked up and have no idea how deep the rabbit trail goes. I called into work last night as well because my stomach was upset. Im just not doing well all around. I cannot wait til Friday when I have my therapy/MD/psychologist appt.
Waiting to exhale,
SVJ
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