RIP ZaZa Liebchen

I first met ZaZa when I was working at Embers full time in the early 2000's. He was a door person who eventually started doing coat check and occasionally performed. Later on he would end up being my neighbor and we would spend many a nights snacking, looking at his art, and sharing stories about the early AIDS crisis that emerged in the 1980's.

I learned a lot from him and his flamboyancy. I never got one inkling that he was ever ashamed of who he was or the way he dressed. Always dressed from head to toe in tie dye and would skip down the street as if the world sang to him in spirit. I felt empowered to be around him and rejoiced in his sense of deviancy.

He reminded me that everyone has something to give on some level and there were many times I was shocked by his level of talent and his ability to rebound from anything. I went to go on his Facebook today and unfortunately didn't see any new posts but when I scrolled down I saw many RIP statuses and it was sad to read.

I hope that the skies are more tie dyed and rainbowrific with you around ZaZa

xoxo
SVJ

Admitting Defeat

I can't control my body's functions any more than I can control the wind so today I resigned to my doctor that I need more help on my antidepressants and diabetes. Not too happy about that because I wish that I could do more and be more but my body just won't let me.

Sure I could work out 3 hours a day for 6 months and eat nothing but broiled chicken and steamed broccoli but what about life? Im already down to 1290 calories a day. I moderately exercise. I've given up my car. I eat well and still my body needs a kick in the panties!

Judge me all you want but I resign-
SVJ

Loose-Loose Situation

I can't stand disappointing people, or hurting their feelings and unfortunately I think I hurt someone's feelings this evening in the midst of them trying to talk about my character. Sometimes it seems that I have a lot of patience about stuff and on others it seems like I have a short tolerance for people who try to manipulate or play with my words.


My claws come out and it isn't always pretty. Clearly I hurt someone's feelings for being rude and on the other side of that coin I feel like Im also entitled to my opinion even when that isn't always shared by another person-

Ugh, Im fucked-
SVJ

Whooooaaa Slow Down

I've been out of my anxiety medications for a few days and its really made a (negative) difference in my life. Thankfully it hasn't set off my depression at all but I am constantly hungry, anxious, worried and I feel very Eeyore.

I called my pharmacy and MD so hopefully that will clear itself up soon. Additionally I needed help transferring my healthcare to Portland and as of tonight thats done too. I feel like I've gotten a lot of stuff done today but still haven't been motivated to leave my bed. Besides the fact Im SUPER dizzy from not being on the medication and my mood swings are EPIC.

Alex and I got some stuff done around the house and we prioritized a few other things. My college life has gone back normal now that the campaign season is over and Im excited for that because I love to learn. Also I learned that I can get my other books on tape for me to listen to them through the college. VERY happy about that.

Im spinning but things are also slowing way down-
SVJ

Painfully Aware

Sometimes when Im out gigging at events I look around the room and I can really tell occasionally with perfect clarity that I don't fit in anywhere. I feel absolutely alone in a crowd full of people most of the time and it pains me to know that at the end of the day most people don't really want anything to do with me.

And yet I keep putting myself out there and doing it over and over again. I went to a meeting earlier in the day and immediately discovered and the majority of the people wouldn't even make eye contact with me or carry on a conversation. The next stop was at home and I have a leak in my roof which didn't make me too happy.

Followed by going to a gig where I judged a show and found myself wondering what the hell makes me qualified to judge other people? Im no better than any one else. Granted I love doing it because I'd like to think I help them and Im not judging to be cruel. In fact one of the girls I ended up giving a few gowns to at the end of the night.

Im rambling. Seriously sometimes I just want to hang myself in the closet but then I realize that if I fail I'll have to explain why or how I broke the closet and I'd die of embarrassment-

SVJ

RIP Logan Lestat

Logan was a gentle soul who had a kick ass rock star side to himself. We became fast friends through my best friend Amy and over the last 10 months his condition has worsened until his body became so frail that it could no longer continue.

Logans spirit was towering through and if his spirit could have saved him he would have lived a million years. He was an honest straight shooter that always kept you on your toes with new movies to watch and music to listen to.

We had a few special moments over the years but this last Christmas we all sat down and had a wonderful dinner together at Starkies Bar. It was enjoyable to hang out, and a lesson that I learned early on from Amy was to not mourn Logan while he was still alive.

I didn't, and its by far some of the best advice I've ever heard. We never know when or how we are going to go but Logan fought until his body couldn't go no more. I will always admire his strong spirit, comical genius and his passion for life-

Rest in peace,
SVJ

A Reason to Live?

This picture (with credit in the upper right hand corner) pretty much sums up what I've been feeling lately. So many things have been going absolutely right and others have totally flat-lined. For instance my transportation issues were solved, my job problems were kinda solved even though I don't actually make any money yet because the business isn't open.

I haven't seen any of my doctors in over two months and that includes my therapist. I hate red tape, I hate long wait times on the phone, I hate talking to bitchy secretaries, I hate dealing with the whole process of moving my insurance to a different location and I realize that probably sounds like a lot of "unnecessary hate" but I really detest red tape.

Im almost out of my antidepressants and really that only works with my anxiety NOT my depression. Pristiq is not covered by my insurance so Im just up a creek on that one. I feel like Im ranting and that I should just shut up, and shut down. I really, really, don't want to deal with this. My grades are suffering because Im volunteering too much for one organization/person but that will be over soon thankfully.

Who lied and made up the expression 'it gets better?" It gets better for who exactly? Whatever, I'll go back to suffering in silence- SVJ

 

RIP Norma Ballhorn

Almost two weeks ago my friend Norma died from lung cancer its something that I keep stuffing down deeper and deeper because I have so much stuff going on and Im trying to keep my head above water.

Norma marks at least the 10th friend who has died this year and I know of two more that are about to happen. Im none too pleased and I have a lot on my plate right now. Im sincerely trying to not make this about me because Im not the one who died but I think its a huge loss for our trans community that we no longer have a public advocate to help us fight our battles.

I hope however that she finally get some peace and happiness she so craved in this life that eluded her-

Rest in peace Norma,
SVJ

Unwanted

I came across this quote today and it really spoke to my soul. Its by Mother Teresa, one of my favorite inspirations in life and it clearly speaks to what Im going through right now.

"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted- Mother Teresa

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I volunteer to help people or make other people's dreams come true when it is clearly apparent that they don't care or appreciate my efforts. Perhaps Im just tired and need sleep but my heart can't be told different right now.

Feeling unwanted,
SVJ

Post Debra and other random depression bits

The last month has been really hard without Debra. It seems like I see her everywhere, and in everything I do. Its like her ghost is following me around. Im helping my brother with a campaign and almost three times I've tried to call her to remind her to vote or come to an event....and she's no longer here.

I went out to eat at the Original Pancake House the other day and I kept thinking....wow this was one of her favorite places. Then I have a gig coming up where I am hosting a show this Friday and twice I picked up the phone to 'make sure she knows' and I've since erased her number so Im not tempted to call....

It doesnt' help that lately I've forgotten to take my medicine a few times because I've been super busy. Its though though. Im trying to be everything to everybody else but myself. I'll say that again just so that I can read it later....Im trying to be everything to everybody else but myself.

It seems like I give 100% to everyone because I have this over whelming sense to feel loved and appreciated but because Im always trying to make everyone elses dreams come true mine are always taking a back seat. Im either helping a charity reach its goals, help a friend open a business or trying to get someone elected, making something wonderful for my husband and I often wonder.... whats in it for me? Is that selfish or wrong?

I feel gross even thinking that way because I was raised to think of everyone else other than myself but I can't shake it. When is it my turn to be happy?

Who knows-
SVJ

RIP Debra Thayer Lund

 Debra was a very special friend of mine. Our friendship began in 2003 when we both worked at Verizon Wireless together. She was a gem on the phone, a hard worker and someone who always did her job correctly. Sadly after about 6 months she left to go back to work in the real estate market and we lost touch for a few years. That didn't stop me from sending Christmas cards every year and occasionally talking on the phone.

Sometimes it was painfully hard to be her friend because she also suffered from depression, anxiety and other health problems. Sometimes she mirrored me too much and that was too painful to deal with. So I would have to keep our

conversations short sometimes. Especially back when we all still used dial up internet and she could go on & on for days. I feel absolutely terrible for saying that. It makes me feel small, selfish and insignificant for saying that but its the truth. I also had battles to deal with and sometimes it was too much like the ones I was already fighting.

About once a year we would go out to dinner and then for about 3 years she stopped being a presence on the internet and I became very worried for her. As it turned out she was having some very serious medical problems and was living with relatives. As it turns out they kicked her out and gave her just days to leave so I took her in when she was homeless. We lived together for about 6 months until we could get her into an assisted care facility.

We fought sometimes but mostly because it was a small apartment and we lived very different lives. She was best when her husband was around because he filled in her gaps. Plus she was very ill and illness does things to people that makes them irritable. That can be for you and them sometimes. It doesn't matter. I wish there was more I could have done but over the next two years we kept in touch online and met up a few times for lunch, in the hospital when she was really ill, and then the last time I saw her she attended my birthday party a few weeks ago.

I had grown accustom to seeing Debra ill that I didn't really recognize how ill she really was the last time I saw her. I did see some major bruising and she told me that she was in kidney failure and it was from the dialysis. I did notice that they had switched her mental health meds around because she was a little.....off. I thought to myself, why is she on such a strong dose? Is she dealing with something larger?

Keep in mind it hasn't hit me that kidney failure is a big deal. I just assumed that at 47 she could kick its ass and we'd all be laughing about it someday. Besides the last time I talked to her she had lost over 70 lbs but she was getting some bone testing done for some reason. I've reached out to her family but haven't gotten much of a response. Im sure they are still in mourning as well.

She died three weeks ago but I just learned about it last night after "Drag Queen Bingo." I was an absolute wreck and woke up Alex to tell him not to log on until he talked to me. I didn't want him to learn through my posting. All day I've been wracking my brain about how I could have been a better friend, a better supporter and advocate for Debra. She was an AMAZING person.

Very kind hearten, soft spoken, giggly, almost childlike in how she approached life's adventures but she suffered a lot the last 5 years. Im guessing and I'll correct this later if I am wrong but Im guessing that between her kidneys and diabetes her body just gave out. Her life is a huge wake up call to me because my diabetes is getting better and Im loosing weight but I need to take it a lot more serious.

It seems to me that I am making this all about myself and that isn't my intention either. I cannot stand it when other people go through things, or families go through things and the friends make it all about themselves. Thats disgusting to me. Im a very sensitive person though and I've always considered her a part of my family.

We have been through a lot together. She gave me some wonderful advice that got me through my 20's and 30's. She was the one who broke the news to me that Whitney Houston had died. She was there when my dog Betty died. We talked on the phone when I lost some of my jobs. Her death just doesn't seem real to me. Im in denial in a huge way.

Debra was a big foodie just like me and we were always exchanging recipes, reviews for places we've ate at, and what I'll miss the most (other than her friendship of course) is just sharing a meal with her and talking. She was an amazing listener, friend and wife. I know she is no longer in pain and she is among the stars now but today and maybe longer Im going to be selfish and be in mourning. My mind just cannot wrap around this. It feels like I should still be able to pick up the phone and call her. Email her, or stop by her care facility.

She once came into my house and put angels all over my house. I wish I had those damn things now. She can be all of our angel now that she's crossed over to the other side. I loved you Debra, and I will forever miss your smile, giggle and friendship.

Love,
SVJ

Im Out of Meds But Not Out of My Mind

So a few weeks ago I got a letter from my insurance company that said they were not going to renew my Prisique (sp?) Rx because it cost too much money. I scoffed and thought, hmm... I wonder if a few thousand dollar visit to the ER or hospital is cheaper? Well of course (thankfully) it didn't come to that. I was still on the other antidepressant (Lexapro) and despite Prisique being dropped suddenly I didn't have withdrawl or extremely low-lows.

I've managed well and I think a lot has to do with the fact that none of my friends have died lately, I moved, I LOVE my new location/apt and things are finally starting to come together after 5-6 years of struggling to get here. I worked a few days at the cafe and started to move thing around and then we stopped suddenly because we aren't ready to open.

It looks soo good though and things are really coming together really well. It has also been really great to have the summer off and even though I go back in 3-4 weeks I feel like I can take on the world again after having a break. Breaks are needed sometimes. The stress from this summer has been absolutely agony. Im thankful things are turning around.

Im out of meds, but not out of my mind,
SVJ

All Moved But Not All Better

Moving changed my self esteem and self worth but it didn't do anything for my finances of course and the problems I had before I was  homeless are still there. However that being said I do feel a lot better and now my 'problems' seem a lot smaller than what they were while being homeless so thats a big thing.

Robin Williams comited suicide a few days ago and of course all the nasties in the world jumped on the band wagon to misconstrue what depression, mental illness and what suicide is. Everyone is jumping to digest what happened and make since of it all but clearly there is no digestible, easy answer. Perhaps though this will lead people to have more of an understanding, and empathy for people suffering with depression. HOPEFULLY.

The animals are doing much better now that they have been stabilized and no longer have a weird sleeping environment. I was very blessed to be able to sleep on some floors over the past few weeks but our bed is supremely better than anything that happened in the last few weeks.

Im trucking on and hoping on. I hope you are with me-
SVJ

RIP Christian

So a few years ago my friend Joker (Jeremy James Brent) died and I got to meet the most genuine and nice fella naked Christian. We exchanged Christmas cards over the years, and sympathy cards when things would go wrong. Over the years our friendship grew around the love of cats.

My husband loves cats and so did Christian. Well it was just about a year ago he stopped replying to my posts. Turns out he had surgery and it took a turn for the worse. From my understanding he had a bad reaction to the anesthesia. Over 9 months he learned to walk and talk again but then just last week he died suddenly.

He wrapped up his affairs and died. Just died. My heart just broke. A man I never met, but managed to create a great internet friendship just died. I hate that and it happens too often. Everyone needs to start living forever or at least until I die. (nervous giggle)

I've seen lots of posts online since I was able to get back online again and lots of people have died in the last 45 days I've been homeless. I hope it stops because I can't go through another month like I did a few months ago where there was a death a week or more.

Stop dying please,
SVJ

Not My Finest Hour

So Alex and I have been rushing around for the last few days and during that time frame all I had to eat was a 1/2 a burger and 1/2 bowl of soup. He putz's around the house and Im begging him to take me to the store so I can get something to eat. My sugar keeps falling, and falling and falling. Finally at the bring of despair I just loose my goard.

I said things that weren't rational, normal or even nice. We immediately got some fast food (I know, on average that would be a horrible choice but I needed fast carbs) and I started to feel better in a few hours but my diabetes did not like me not eating for almost 2 days. Im back on track now but I feel really bad about what happened.

I apologized for what I said but not for how I reacted. I begged him for over a day to get me something to eat and he was unwilling. I think he has a better understanding now and hopefully I can get my sugars back on track over the next few days.

Le' Sigh-

SVJ

The Red Ribbon Show

I was fortunate enough to be asked to perform at this years Red Ribbon show under the direction and vision of Johnny Woo Foxx (Jonathan Reitan) but I felt extremely guilty that I couldn't put something fabulous together because I was homeless. I couldn't buy great outfits, train a bunch of back up dancers or build a set. Instead I did Janet Jackson's song "Feedback" and hoped for the best.

When my dear friend Fabulanzaa announced me on stage I thought I was going to puke because it was such a warm, loving and kind entrance that I thought....I'm never going to measure up to that. She was so wonderful and I cherish her friendship...along with Mr. Woo as well.

When I concluded my song, I got a round of applause a few people tipped me. Most of the people from Salem stonewalled me, yet again but I kept my head high and kept trucking on. Thats all I can really do despite such adversity. I am a loving and caring person that tries her heart out to make things work. I volunteer all my time, and energy trying to make the world a better place and sometimes I fail. I feel like a failure now.

However that being said we did raise (collectively but mostly through the work of Johnny) that night 26,000.00 for HIV charities. Im honored to call him my friend but ashamed that I didn't do better-

SVJ

Coming out of the dark?

So Gloria Estifan had a great song in the 1980's called Coming Out of the Dark and it has commonly inspired me to come out of the darkness. .... .. well that and some really great rx drugs. The Pristiq Im on is working really well but has made my anxiety a little worse. Hopefully when we start to tier off the other drug it will get better but who knows?

We are completely homeless now. Sleeping on the streets, with friends, family and shelters. Life is hard but we are getting by. Im in the library now typing this up and trying to kill time til its time to return to the housing area.

Please keep Alex and I in your prayers as we try to navigate this bumpy road. We need to find a place to live FAST!!

-SVJ

Developmentally Disabled

So I had a never-ending doctors visit this morning where I saw three providers back to back and towards the end I saw my therapist. He needed to sign off some paperwork to help me get into HUD. On the paper it confirms that I have disabilities but at the bottom it asks if the patient is developmentally disabled and I was sweating that last question really hard. Am I, I thought? Thankfully he said no and resolved to point out without my questioning that he had never seen me act, behave or display DD issues. He did however sign off on the other disabilities, like physical limitations and mental illness.

I was super relieved and thankful to get all the paperwork done. In addition I saw my PSY therapist and she Rx a new antidepressant Pristiq. A reinvention of Effexor, a SNRI I've been on before but with a different chemical composition. Hopefully this one will work. Im sure its all in my head (pun intended) but I did feel a surge of something later in the evening and then after dinner I stuffed myself a little too much and took a nap.

I didn't have one negative thought today when it came to mental illness. THAT is a huge improvement for the last two months. This evening I started working on my autobiography, studied a little online answered some emails and then of course...this blog.

I'll write about my volunteer work hickup later but for now I'll just say that Im dealing with some interesting characters in my life. Can't we just hose down negative/nasty people with water and call it a day? Joking of course. However I do get tired of people creating drama that isn't there.

Riding a wave of positivity,
SVJ

Spicy Life and Dinner

So lately I've taken a break from facebook and its been VERY cleansing. I know some of my posts on here are kinda dark because I give myself permission to share my deepest and darkest thoughts but on facebook I tend to get more annoyed with people. Most of the time I find my self arguing with people in my head and wondering why I am friends with junkies, alcoholics, narcissist, and bigots. That being said.... I have some wonderful peers, allies, friends, inspirational people and professors online as well.

What I hope to have the strength to do someday is delete all the garbage personalities online and just stick with the real friends. Or perhaps I will have two facebooks? Anyways, over dinner we talked a lot about friends, their impact and family. Tonight I made chicken pot pie with a nice spicy twist. Everyone loved it and it completely sold out. I was quite proud of myself.

I love to cook and it was a nice dish. I decided to do it in a casserole format but it turned out great. I over shot my aim on how much I needed to make but it turned out good anyways. Plus there was no left overs!

It got me to thinking that my life is pretty spice right now and so was dinner. I hope I can carpe deim my life and take it back by the reigns. If Im wondering who my friends are, they probably aren't my friends-

Reflective and insightful,
SVJ

Job Hunting

Its always hard to find a job, keep a job and above all else, find a job that you like. Sometimes the hunt is truly amusing. Today I was skimming some jobs and they listed some of there requirements: Bachelors degree, Ability to multitask, develop and incorporate new ideas, research, marketing, helping patients etc etc etc.... but the kicker? Min wage. Seriously? You want me to have 80,000 worth of education but you want to pay me 9 dollars an hour? Are you f*cking nuts?

I think some of employers are high on crack cocaine. Seriously. How can you expect me to live, drive, and payback my education at that rate? I can't imagine what things will be like when Im done with this degree.....lawrd Jesus help me out!

Mom and I had a wonderful dinner of augratin potatoes, smoked sausages and steamed broccoli. We played video games for a little while and then I went home. Tomorrow Im cooking chicken pot pie casserole. Im excited at the idea. I can't wait. Today I endured. I kept my head up but I also had in the back of my head that my follow up visit is on Friday.

Holding my breath,
SVJ

Mom's Mojo

So lately my mom and I have been hanging out a lot because I need to feel safe and we're all on a budget anyways on top of being homeless.....so I digress. Last night my mom told me that I as the most beautiful person (inside and out) that she has ever had the privilege of knowing and while I wanted to be emotionally vulnerable to truly 'hear that message' as she was crying I just couldn't.

I instantly shut down and became analytical about the whole thing. I instantly thought to myself... doesn't every parent feel this way? Whats so special about me? Why is she crying? Why is it an emotional experience for her to tell me how she feels. And then I really got to thinking that I chase after all the people who want to have nothing to do with me for validation and then (potentially) ignore the ones that I should be paying attention to. I became depressed and started to feel guilty.

I thought to myself, If I had just received an award for my charitable works I'd be high as a kite for weeks (metaphorically speaking). But most people seek out validation from their parents their whole life and here I am thinking: Oh, okay sure. What in the hell is wrong with me?

Of course its the mental illness talking but OMG sometimes Im seriously f*cked up and have no idea how deep the rabbit trail goes. I called into work last night as well because my stomach was upset. Im just not doing well all around. I cannot wait til Friday when I have my therapy/MD/psychologist appt.

Waiting to exhale,
SVJ

Deadly Depression

The last time I had a nervous breakdown I had to go to the hospital for about two weeks in Eugene, Oregon about 4 years ago or so, and on the inside my doctor said something to me that hit me really hard. 25% of mentally ill people die from their disease. That translates to 1 in 4.

Wow. I thought. Wow, that high? Everyday is a struggle though. Everyday i think about checking out and everyday I dream of not being in pain, not being depressed and not having to struggle every SINGLE WAKING MOMENT.

Even my readers online are tired of me. You can only read so much of this crap and then want to check out yourself. After all, what do you say to someone that is suffering? How do you comfort someone who doesn't have the right medication cocktail? Thankfully I have another apt with my doctor on Friday but it can't come soon enough-

-SVJ

Fathers Day

Its no secret that my real father died in 1980, not long after I was born he committed suicide. My mom remarried a few times over the last 30+ years and finally settled down with a very nice gentleman named Warren. Today Alex and I spent the day gathering things up to make his day special (see previous blog).

He had moped around the house until we showed up at 5. Apparently he said to mom around 3:30 that, "did you know it was fathers day?" And she went along with it and said no. The food was absolutely exceptional....amazing!! Mom makes a fabulous cheeseburger, I cut up the veggies and cooked the french fries. She did most of the work and we gave Warren some gifts.

We really had a blast hanging out with them and watching the movie American Hustle. It was really good. Lots of good acting and a great story line. Alex and I retired after the movie was over and went home to argue about our living situation. We (mostly me) have decided that it would be better to buy a home this time and be done with this whole apt living bs.

Hanging by a thread,
SVJ

Do For Others

Doing for others has always been a bit of an addiction for me. Tonight Alex (my husband) and I spent the evening traveling around to different grocery stores so that we could get good deals on what we wanted to make my "step" father for dinner. Now I put step in quotes because really Warren (thats his name) has done more for me than any other person that my mother has been married to.

Mom (Kathy) figured out what he wanted for dinner and he asked for bacon cheeseburgers and jo-jo's. He doesn't know that we were eavesdropping to figure out the menu he wanted and we're having a surprise party tomorrow night. Alex got him a $25 gift card to the movies, a nice card and now we're going to be cooking for a while.

Totally on the menu is:

• Bacon Cheeseburgers
• Jo-Jo's
• Bud Light (Dads favorite but he rarely gets to drink b/c he's always working)
• Pepsi
• Recese Peanut Butter Cupcakes (Homemade) 

And really Im excited about the menu as well. I've been craving a GOOD burger for a few weeks now. So .....today was a good day. Doing for other people always cheers me up.

Smiling,
SVJ

In a Cave?

I read a facebook meme this week that said, "if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, turn around because you are in a cave." I know it was silly but it brightened my day and helped me charge on through out the day. Today I got a little bit of good news. The new (potential) owner of the apt complex called me to let me know that he has put out a list of demands with the old owner to buy the place. If he agree's to make those repairs he'll take over and buy the property.

If that happens we get to stay so cross your fingers and toes. Hopefully this whole homeless experience will just be a momentary "cave" we went through one summer. My friend Sarah (hi if you're still reading I know my blogs can be dark) commented on my blog twice and it really made me feel like I was worthy and capable. Im not sure how or why but Im not going to over analyze any positive emotion I get.

I also got to talk to two friends on the phone today and both of them listened to me even though it wasn't about my depression it filled me with hope that this will all be over soon (in  a positive direction).

I hope this is a cave,
SVJ

Protection?

I think one of the most challenging things about being mentally ill is trying to find a balance between protecting your friends, family and loved ones from your illness when you are in crisis and trying to also reach out and be taken seriously. I struggle with this every day.

Sometimes its everything I can do not to let someone know that I am hurting when they are already going through so much in their own life. Who am I to intrude my issues onto them? Who am I to impose onto them what I am feeling to make myself feel better?

Its kind of egotistical and narcissist to think that everything evolves around you and that people should drop everything to talk to you. So I suffer in silence and hope to get through the day white knuckling every part of the day.

Protection or self sabatoge?
SVJ

Coworker Pains

So... I may not get paid for the work I do but I do work two part time jobs in the non profit industry. One of them is super serious and stressful all the time because the membership is consistently (but not all) two face, disingenuous, and fake.  They tend to thrive on negativity and consistently cause drama to the point of raising my blood pressure. Anyhoo.... one of their old members is now on my new board of directors.

Oooh lawrdy.

Its like Im on the same board twice a month now. This person is very toxic, negative and always has a piss poor attitude about everything. I realize how judgmental that comes off because this whole blog has a dark under tone to it most of the time. However when I go to work I am very professional. I put all my crap on the back burner, get ready to work, and we all get sh*t done.

I don't take my personal drama to work essentially. This person does, and to top it all off they always think everyone is out to get them. My grandmother once said they should just put lithium in the water and those that don't need it will urinate it out, and the ones that do need it will get well.....of course she was kidding but some days I wish they would-

Coworker drives me even more nuts-
SVJ

Running in Circles

Seriously having a tough time. I think my antidepressants aren't working and crap keeps piling up in my life. My 2nd therapist the other day said to me (as if I didn't already know) that: crap is still crap even if you are on an antidepressant. I felt like saying, "No shit sherlock" but I didn't want to get 'tresspassed" at the clinic and she gives me my medication. Never piss of a judge, a wife, your bartender or doctor, I always say.

I tried reaching out to two of my best friends today because I really needed to go to the doctor to be evaluated. Im really starting to wonder what this whole living thing is about because I don't see any use to it any more. I don't make a difference, I can never seem to get things right and Im not getting any happiness from life anymore.

Why keep going?
SVJ

Lately

Im sure you're tired of reading that life sucks right now.....but life sucks right now. Alex just reported to me that the apt we applied for was not approved and so far we can't get in touch with the new owners of the apt complex so that we can ask if we can stay. I should be spending my time putting things into boxes but I just can't bring my heart to do it-

This is not what I expected my late 30's to be like. I wanted to go into my 40's with a better understanding about life and a more stable situation. Instead here I am in the same position I found myself in my late teens and early 20's.....almost homeless.

If you think it happen to you, it totally can. This world is ran by the rich, religious and self righteous. Lord help me its raining stupidity-

-SVJ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF0j0WuOhDM&list=RDiF0j0WuOhDM

The Ultimate Selfish Act

Some people say suicide is the ultimate selfish act and go onto say that they don't 'understand it." I would challenge people to honestly look within and throughout society and ask themselves what is so freaking fabulous and wonderful about being alive? I would also respond and ask what is so entertaining about staying alive?

I have struggled my whole life and then combined with this is my social status, wealth problems, personal struggle, medical issues and the cultural identity society ascribes to me. If everything is uphill, all the time, and you live with chronic pain, what is so fabulous about continuing on?

Ugh.... its probably the depression talking. Fuck my life, and fuck my thoughts.

Trying to survive another day,
SVJ

Never Good Enough?

So sick and tired of never being good enough. This evening I showed up early for my job by 15 minutes and was told that they were getting worried about me and were about to call. Seriously? Can I never do anything right? Sometimes volunteering in the non profit world is a thankless job and sometimes its a knock down-kick-your-teeth-out experience. Occasionally I wonder why I do it at all.

It was a good learning experience though. It made me realize how hard it can be for the treasurer and that I was on the right track by resurrecting my old Facebook page that is private. Life is too short for fake butter, fake people and fake love.

Ironically someone reached out to me this evening asking me why I was a little down and I explained my homeless, 'its finals' and a lot of stress....issues and then they just clammed up. Why ask someone a bunch of nosy questions and then not follow up with a response? Ugh.

Today was a wreck but it's done now. I need to go to bed before I do something stupid-

Not safe,
SVJ

Never Say Never

My mom and I were watching An American Tail again for the first time in almost 25 years. Its still a really good cartoon but I reimagined it as an adult and saw/heard so many things I never noticed as a child. I love re-watching things as an adult sometimes because the subtleties you pick up on are amazing occasionally.

Anyhow when I was in my 20's I swore I would never be homeless again and yet here I am again back in this predicament. Many people judge homeless so harshly because they are seen as lazy or drug addicts. Ugh.... I've railed against this for years but most of the time it just comes down to a series of events.

For us it was an argument with the management company and poof! just like that they asked us to leave over a minor misunderstanding between Alex and them. Anyways, never say never.....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOFvkbp2bGg

I'll Miss You

Its potentially been years since I heard this phrase out of someone's mouth but that in and of itself could be the depression talking. Today in my sign language class one of my peers mentioned that she will 'miss me' even though I was just using the rest room. I was touched by that small act of kindness.

Im always telling people that I love and miss them and then later hope that they HEARD me when I said it. Its tough to HEAR people when you are suffering from mental illness because those broken brain cells just don't allow you to absorb that kindness. You also don't hear the birds sing, or observe children laughing.

Your world is all dark, full of solitude and everything goes by in slow motion but everyone you watch is keeping pace with the rest of the world; completely oblivious to the suffering going around them because they have never been touched by mental illness. Or potentially they have forgotten?

I don't claim to have answers but today I will remember that someone said they will miss me.

Kindness Absorbed,
SVJ

Self Protection

I've been spending a lot of time at my Mom's house lately because I need to protect myself from all my stinking thinking. Sometimes its a real struggle to get out of bed, make it to my commitments, but I safe the last part of my day to be with my mother because she centers me. She needs me and its always relevant that she cannot live without me.

Which is a huge switch from when I was younger but we've moved past that now as adults. Sometimes I wish that life would have put us with each other sooner but there is nothing I can really do about that now. However, that said Im not sure I've ever let my mom know how much I need her, and count on her to be directly in my life.

Its the little things she does in life that brightens up my day and makes it easier to live. So today I will reflect on the powerful influence that my mother is and remind myself to keep trucking along because of her bright light.

In protection,
SVJ

Staying Afloat?

What does it mean to struggle your whole life to try to stay vibrant, happy and satisfied. Why do some have an easier time with accepting life as it comes at them or that depression/anxiety never touches them. They seem to whisk through life without a care in the world or untouched by the dirty truths about life.

I've been struggling with depression, and anxiety my whole life. It seems that I can never keep my head a float for too long. I think what builds into this is that I surround myself with people that do not appreciate my value. I am consistently taken advantage of and my work is rarely acknowledged.

For instance I've been volunteering for non profit organizations for almost 20 years and I have no where near the same status and admiration as people who have been volunteering less. Should I give up? Should I try to move onto other organizations who appreciate my value?

I know this blog is frequently dark and gloomy but its one of my rare outlets to be honest about life. Sometimes it may seem like Im being trivial, or pessimistic but others Im actually being inquisitive about why life suck and we all pretend it doesn't. Why do you think we all pretend life is glamorous, fun and easy? Would we all throw each other under a bus if we said the truth aloud?

Pondering thoughts,
SVJ

Invisible

In addition to all the other stuff mentally ill people have to deal with I think the most troubling for me is that it makes you invisible. The stigma is there, don't get me wrong but its the idea that you don't exist while you're suffering that is the worst valley to walk. When you are in crisis, or suffering nobody wants to be your friend.

Suddenly you have turned into Debby Downer and nobody wants to be around you because you bring down their upbeat, positive outlook on life. It seems as if you fade away into the background and everybody does everything to not make eye contact. Its too intimate to them because then they would have to face that someone is suffering.

Its got to be frustrating as well for them because its not something that they can fight, or rally against. Its a struggle thats going on in someone else's brain. A fight that only that person and some well trained medical professionals (hopefully) will help battle. Unfortunately our friends and family are left feeling helpless as well because there isn't much they can do or say.

I would add though that its comforting to have people say that they see you struggling, however ugly that may be at the time. Its helpful to me to also have people make eye contact, hug me and tell me that this darkness is going to pass. Its supremely helpful to get phone calls, letters and cards telling me that I matter but its not something we do in this culture.

Hallmark doesn't have a get well soon for your mental illness card section. Its all for people with a case of the sniffles and everybody essentially knows that its going to pass. What they don't know is when it is going to pass and depression or mental illness is the same way.

Today I feel invisible,
SVJ

The Beast

Today was a magical day. I woke up early and headed to Chemeketa Community College where I gave my presentation on Gender Diversity and then I hung out with my mom and dad all evening. We had tacos, watched movies, played video games and believe it or not I got a lot of homework done too.

At one point Alex came over and had dinner with us, then proceed to play video games with us. It was the first time in a long time that I really felt like I belonged to a family. A unit that helps one another, shares in each others experiences and lifts each other up. Its like my depression, anxiety, ptsd, and restlessness took a nap today or rested in a slumber.

For the first time in weeks I didn't live inside my head but rather lived in the moment and I was present. Of course my problems were still there, like being homeless, not being funded for summer term, and my car going tits up but there were a few hours there that the beast, just went to sleep and allowed me to have a good time.

In fact up until this blog I didn't think about committing suicide at all. I hope I have more positive days coming up because I could sure use them with the move, finals at school and trying to stay afloat during the summer.

Here's to hoping-
SVJ

Not Today

Everyday I sense a little more progress but there are moments where I just want to throw myself in front of a train, or hang myself off the porch. The only thing that stops me sometimes is my lil doggies, and that this is a neighborhood filled with lots of children. I would never want a child to see me hanging my a cord off the porch.

Lately I've been hanging out an awful lot with my mother and that has kept me very secure and safe. She doesn't know about how deep my pain runs but I try to protect her by not telling her. Today we had dual appointments at the same time. Then we had lunch and dinner together. It was a lovely day for the most part.

The husband is absolutely clueless most of the time and I think I prefer it that way. Otherwise he'd be taking my emotional temperature every few hours which is annoying itself. I don't need someone asking how I am doing every few hours-

Tomorrow I teach a class about gender diversity and Im super excited about it. When I am living my purpose in life I feel free, and that everything aligns. Im going to go to bed early to take care of myself.

Im not giving up today-
SVJ

RIP Maya Angelou

The first time I saw Dr. Maya Angelou was on the Oprah show, and yes I know that sounds shallow but its true. She had a magnetism that just did not allow me to turn the channel. I wanted to drink in every moment, every breath and I sat on the couch holding my knees upward towards my chest as I leaned in to catch every word she said. For the first time in many years someone was speaking my language.

She felt many of the things I had felt. She had lived many of the things I had lived and much more. I felt that she was a mother to me in some regards because everything about her was comforting. I began to buy up all the books I could find that she wrote, every greeting card she designed and I subscribed to the Oprah magazine to read her monthly articles.

One month they had printed business card sized quotes and I glued them all over my room to inspire me to live a better life. My favorite quote of hers was, "I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it." That one quote has gone on to define many of the life changes, and ideology I have taken on as an adult.

A bright light has gone out today but her legacy will live on forever in my heart-

SVJ

Rest In Peace Prince Ricky (Hansen)

Prince Ricky and I first met and worked together on Ciara Dela Rosa's (1st) campaign to become Empress. He was warm, charming, helpful and very kind. In his spare time he liked to take photographs and the above one is one of his works.

What I adored about Ricky is that he was always reachable. He was not a phone call dodger, and he was very passionate about what he loved and liked in life. I enjoyed his enthusiasm for charity work and wanting to make a difference in this world.

Caregivers come in all shapes and sizes and for me Ricky will always be a caregiver. For many years he took care of many of us and helped us in different ways. He will be sorely missed.

-SVJ

Stigma?

Media and researchers explain that mental illness is isolating but what they don't ever talk about is how unifying it can be to open up to others with mental illness. Tonight I posted on my FB wall that I was starting to feel that nothing I do is ever good enough and that I don't feel appreciated for my contributions. I then opened it up to ask if other people feel the same way occasionally.

What I was surprised to find is that many of my friends felt the same way and we all contributed to the conversation a little something that helped one another. I think what does make mental illness isolating is that we choose not to talk to one another about the disease.  Sometimes we lie and pretend to not even understand it.

And yet almost every person in this world will experience heart ache, disappointment, the loss of a loved one, regret, and feel lost. Is this not part of depression? It may not be clinical but the ability to have empathy for your fellow human is not too much to ask. We have to start breaking down these walls we created that no longer suit us, or society at large.

The change begins with you, and me. Hopefully someday our childrens, children will no longer associate stigma to mental illness.

-SVJ

Rest In Peace Timothy Poe

It seems lately all my friends keep dying and I can't seem to keep up with the many obituaries and funerals to go to. Timothy was a friend on mine through the International Court System and we actually went to the same elementary school, junior high and high school. He moved to Tacoma and I moved to Portland.

We didn't get to see each other that often because he didn't travel much but he will be remembered fondly and forever in my heart-

SVJ

Beauty?

One of my best friends told me once while we were at a bar that he thought I was the most beautiful drag queen ever. I told him not to say that unless he meant it and he said it again. It made me cry like a river for a few minutes. Nobody had ever told me that I looked pretty in drag before. People had said, gosh you look good tonight; wow, I love your dress; or you were sure funny on the microphone tonight.

One of my best friends told me on my birthday and take it if you will because it was my birthday that she thought I was the prettiest queen she had ever seen in the city we were in at the time. She went onto say, 'just as pretty as the ones I see on tv even.' It made me smile from within and made me wonder why my brain just won't work right.

For weeks now, I've been extremely depressed and every night I have to convince myself to not hang myself, cut my wrists or overdose on a lot of pills. For some reason my mind wants me to self terminate currently and I have more fight in me. I want to go on. I want to do more things. I think though that between all of the madness that is going on that I am just overwhelmed.

Im homeless, Im loosing my car, I didn't get funded for the summer term, and for whatever reason people keep fricking dying on me. Three deaths this month. Matthew, Pookie, today my friend Timothy Poe. Pookies memorial was today and I just didn't have the emotional aptitude to go. I had two ride offers but just couldn't get it together.

Im safe tonight but I hope to be safe tomorrow -
SVJ

Birthday Bash

I had a delightful weekend celebrating my birthday and seeing my best friend Janine from Seattle. She lights up my life and my mother was in tow as well. We tore up the town, as much as any adult women can. It was a lot of fun this year because I turned my birthday into a fundraiser.

Janine and I went out to breakfast the following morning and then I went to bed most of the day. I spent a little bit of time with my uncles and their dogs as well. I got a new blouse from Janine, a gift certificate to Ivy Nails from mom, a glass and tea infuser from Gary (my uncle) and about a dozen cards. I love cards, and keep them throughout my life. Whenever I get depressed I read them and they cheer me up.

My depression is getting slightly better but Im a lot more tired. Thats okay because that will wear off eventually. I wrote all my documents this evening for the Sweethearts and tomorrow I need to do my homework and the ISCWE minutes if I have time. Alex said he would take me out to Thai Food this weekend for my birthday and I hope he does. I've had a hankering for it for a few weeks now.

I don't feel like killing myself today but I certainly don't feel like I matter to anyone. I do feel 'needed' sometimes because I help others....but most days its all I can do not to hang myself from the balcony.

-SVJ

Partially Renewed

Today I went to a meeting with my brother and he is going to be applying for a new job soon. Somewhere in the meeting I had a coming to Jesus moment and remembered that Im supposed to be on this planet longer. I also talked to a career counselor at school about the direction of my education, jobs, and graduation and for the first time in many weeks I felt hopeful.

I am going through so much stuff right now between finals, apt hunting, car problems, depression, my husbands attitude problem and money worries I forgot what hope was. I went up in my dosage of antidepressants last night and Im sure its all in my head (pun intended) but I do feel a little better today. Or perhaps I just got some good rest and had a good day?

Who knows? Only God/Goddess knows if such a thing exists? A few days ago I wanted to hang myself in the closet and today it feels like a less important thing to do. Perhaps I still have work to do, even if Im never appreciated for my contributions.

-SVJ

Sustained

Sometimes when suffering with mental illness the best we can hope for is making it through the night and last night was one of those nights. It was very dark, and I felt like killing myself a lot. My life right now makes me ponder my existence and if I am making a difference. So much around me is going wrong and I feel (other than my therapist) there is nobody to talk to that isn't going to ascribe a stigma, judgement or give me a load of bull shit like "think happy thoughts."

Today I am sustained. Journaling is helping, and so is keeping busy. I had an appointment with a RNP that has been assigned to help me with my mental health meds. She was a gem in my day.

I wish there was a drop in center for the mentally ill. Not a place where you get hospitalized or even a place ran by MD's or RN's but a place where you could be surrounded by fellow 'nuts' who are suffering to get by as well. We had one in Montana but unfortunately I don't live there anymore so that resource isn't available to me.

I suppose I will sit here sustained until my medication gets better or I hang myself from the balcony. Whichever comes first I guess-

Life Kills

Nobody tells you when you are growing up that being an adult is a big fat lie. It does not get better, the world is not a beautiful place to live and every day is an uphill battle. Nobody makes it out alive and when you aren't dodging negativity you are completely overwhelmed with everyday crap that happens. You can't get up early enough. You can't score high enough. You can't drive fast enough. You can't give enough. You can't do enough and everything you build will be eventually broken. In addition to our struggles, trials and tribulations we live life in a vacuum; slowly everything we care about and love dies. It deteriorates and crumbles all around you like the sands of time in an hour glass.

Perhaps its just a bad month. Perhaps Im having a low moment. Perhaps Im not seeing things clearly. Or perhaps Im having a momentary lapse of reality where I actually see things for what they really are and that I ordinarily deny their existence all together. Everyday I struggle to give back to my community even though I am essentially homeless, jobless, a student, alienated by my own community but I also have a sense of anomie when it comes to not belonging to both the transgendered community and the gay community.

Today I should be happy that Oregon won marriage equality but I can't help but think of all my burdens and problems I have right now. The friend who commited suicide a few weeks ago, another friend who died of a heart attack and two other friends earlier this week who had strokes. I also have been pondering after 17 years of charity fundraising; where has it got me? Who cares? Most of the time I don't even get a mumbled "thank you" whispered under neath someone's breath. I can go YEARS without a thank you and yet every day I struggle to put a smile on my face and pretend that being an adult, growing up and feeding into the lie that 'it gets better.'

I don't feel better. My circumstances aren't better. I don't need a world flowing with milk and honey but I'd sure like to be able to make a living, have a sense of belonging in my community and feel like I contribute something. And yet most of the time I feel like I don't. Sometimes I feel like I volunteer, and do so much for other people that it just gets taken for granted.

Perhaps I need a break or perhaps I need a new life. I wonder if reincarnation really exists? I don't want to find out anytime soon but Im sure getting tired of my life. Everyday its a struggle to be seen, loved, and appreciated, especially with the amount of effort I put out.

-SVJ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NUQJvfDXrM

Rest In Peace Pookie J Bush

I’ve been desperately trying to find an old photo of Pookie and I together at Peacock in the Park in 2003 that we had together but cannot find it. Oh well, I'm sure I’ll run across it just when I need to see it but for the meantime I wanted to share a story about the great humanitarian Pookie was from my life. I moved to Oregon in 1999 permanently but for a few years I would go back and forth from Billings, Montana to Portland until I had stable housing secured in Portland. It would be a few years until I finally made the leap from the underage nightclub to the Embers as a performer and I started on Ciara and Raven’s shows Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Finally after having a few years off from running for titles and pageants Ciara and Pookie convinced me to run for Debutante when Goddess and Corey Jean Foxx stepped down. They explained that it was the ISRC’s beginner’s title and a great introduction to how the Portland, Oregon court works. Sounded good to me but I was still getting on my feet and didn’t have Oregon identification yet. My identification was still with a Montana marker.

I explained this to Pookie and he instantly pulled out the money for me to get my identification, take a cab to the DMV and paid my way into the pageant that night. This was of course back when you could get an ID instantly when you paid for it and there were fewer restrictions on how to achieve one. Further, my gender marker on my ID in Montana was never changed over even though my judge’s degree explicitly said it was. The DMV in Montana absolutely refused to change it, declaring that they had the right to deny it on religious grounds. I never fought it because it was hard enough to get my name changed and nobody ever believed that I was a man at one time anyways. Most people just pointed out there was a misprint on my ID and I joked about it. Besides the only people that really had the power and influence to fight those sorts of things had money and privilege that I did not possess at the time.

Anyhow when I got my ID at the DMV in Portland the clerk asked me if I wanted to change my marker and of course I jumped at the opportunity and said, “YES PLEASE”. She didn’t even ask for my judges decree. Pookie was not only instrumental in getting me back involved with the court system, but he was a pivotal change in my totally life as a transgendered woman. Up until that moment in time I had never been a full ‘human being’ because my ID was incorrect. I never forgot that he helped me and within a few weeks I paid him back when I got a new job. At the pageant I lost to the beautiful and talented Miss Lotta Marie Liquor that evening but the experience put me back on the journey towards charity work in Oregon. I went onto win Ms. Gay Pride, Ms. Gay Portland, Ms. Gay Oregon, Woman of the Year, Entertainer of the Year and Star Empress 37 ½ of Salem. Adding to my two other titles, Ms. BSGRA and Miss LAMBDA from Montana.

Sometimes we meet special people that remind us who we really are, and where we should be in life. That person for me will always be Pookie J. Bush. I like many of you will miss him, mourn him and love him for all eternity. Wherever you are Pookie thank you for loving me unconditionally, being my friend and helping me in my journey through life. You will be missed-

love,
SVJ

Rest In Peace Matthew (Liberty)

It is with a heavy heart that I learned this evening from one of my best friends (Brent Blackwell) that our mutual friend Liberty passed away. A suspected suicide and a stain on my heart because we just reconnected online recently. I was hoping to do lunch but our schedules never met up no matter how much we tried.

He was in the hospital not too long ago and I didn't take the time to go see him. NOW I feel really guilty. I was in a darker place though and all my energy was directed else where. Im starting to feel that my will to live is loosing its grip on reality as well.

I met Liberty when we were both at our youthful peak. Both of our bodies were in prime performance. We could wear extremely high heels, jump of stages, choreograph large performances, and party for days. As we got older our bodies couldn't perform at the same level but we kept in contact.

Truth is when I was younger I had thee most biggest crush on him but then again I had crushes on a lot of gay boys. Nobody was ever open minded enough to date me but oh well. Thats my plight in life not his. He will be forever missed and forever on my mind. Rest in peace dear one. I love you, always-

SVJ